Threesome ended bad marriage

Dear Angela,

Your relationship with your "friend" is not the cause of your marital breakdown; it was your marriage. From what you have written, this is a marriage that should never have been. Your relationship has two out of three risk factors for divorce that is noted by researchers who study marriage failure: young age and pregnancy. Money problems are the third risk factor and I would guess based on your age and situation, you probably have been struggling with tight finances as well.

The role your friend played in this situation was demonstrating to you that you are deserving of better treatment and that there can be relationships that are based on love and not jealousy. Whether it was circumstance or through planning, it is clear that you have done the right thing by getting out of a very bad relationship. Given the history that you described, there is no amount of counseling, medication or experimentation that can reverse the damage that has occurred. I will address the reasons why below:

Counseling:

Counseling will only work if both people in the couple are committed and honest about working toward improving the relationship. Although you did not get into describing your counseling experience, my guess is that your mistrust in your husband and his inability to take responsibility for his role in the relationship problems, stood in the way of you being open during counseling sessions. Moreover, whenever there is ongoing domestic abuse as in your case, the balance of power is the relationship is seriously undermined. Counseling cannot work when one party is fearful of opening up in a therapeutic setting. Having said all this, I do believe that counseling can be beneficial to you on an individual basis to assist you in exploring the factors that 1) attracted you to this relationship, 2) held you in the relationship and 3) finally allowed you to leave it.

Medication:

Medication on its own is beneficial in relieving depressive or anxiety-based symptoms such as a lack of energy and appetite, sleep disturbances and emotional ability. However, medication will not address the underlying problems of abuse and being in a destructive marriage. This is where people either seek help through counseling or do some serious soul searching regarding their need to make changes in their lives. Medication in your case was just a Band-Aid approach for a problem that needed surgery followed by rehabilitation.

Experimentation:

Without getting moralistic about the issue of experimentation, I have to say that bringing another person into an intimate relationship is counter-productive to improving the relationship on an emotional level. While it may "spice up" some people's sex lives, it is very destructive to the development of emotional and spiritual intimacy. What makes relationships work, is the mutual feeling of respect as well as feeling of being valued by each other. Good relationships are based on trust and honesty, and the intimate bond that develops from it goes beyond sex. By stating this, I don't wish to underplay the value of sex, but I do want to emphasize that the sex act is just one part of an intimate relationship. In fact, the largest sex organ in humans is not their gonads, but their brain. In your case, your lack of sexual motivation and interest toward your husband was not the result of any physiological problem, but one that was influenced by how you felt. Proof of this is probably the quality of your sex life with your new partner.

From what you have written, you have tried very hard to make your relationship with your husband work. Being unsuccessful attests to the fact that a relationship cannot be held together by one person. Certainly in your case, its failure was not because of a lack of trying on your part, but because your husband was not equipped or willing to do his share.

My hope is that perhaps your children will have a better relationship with both you and your husband apart in that they will no longer be exposed to the terrible conflict and abuse. As far as feeling guilty, forget it! By ending this relationship, you have given your children an opportunity to be exposed to a much healthier environment that is free of fighting and abuse. My best wishes to you.

Reena Sommer