My Boyfriend Does Not Like My Son
QUESTION:
Indira (30 year-old woman)I have been in a serious relationship for the past two years with a much older man. We work together and are very good friends. Before we started dating, I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be with me, because I have a child with pretty severe learning disabilities. He was totally fine with it, and willing to go the extra mile. Time has passed, and there is no relationship between him and my son. He feels my son is too uncivilized and retarded. He wants nothing to do with him, yet still wants me in his life. My son is only 10 years old, and I think it would be nice to get remarried and have a nice stepfather for him, and maybe even a sister or brother. I tell my boyfriend I find it ludicrous that he spends no time with my son, and I feel he should make an effort. He says he will only do so if my son behaves properly. He also says if he gets sick of it, he will have to break up with me. And he said my son is none of his business.
I used to be so self-assured. I never let anyone do this to me. I don't know what my problem is. If I break up with him I still want to work with him. And we are very good friends. I don't want to feel bitter anymore.
Am I wasting my time in this relationship?
ANSWER:
Andy Bernay-Roman,
Dear Indira,
Unfortunately, yes, you're wasting your time in this relationship, unless you are prepared to have this major conflict of loyalties and disharmony in your life.
Wanting male companionship or a mate is understandable and desirable. Wanting that with a friend is even better. But your boyfriend is unyielding in his attitude towards your son, and unwilling to make any effort, and that makes your long-term, mate-relationship with him unworkable.
On the other hand, be sure before you break up, that you are not putting too many expectations on your boyfriend to take on the role of father for your son, when that's not really called for. What about your son's actual father? If the biological father is in the picture, then maybe your boyfriend is right to refuse that role in your son's life. But some effort on your boyfriend's part to have a relationship with your son is not only reasonable to expect, it may turn out to be the deciding factor of whether to stay with him or not.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Andy Bernay-Roman
This question was answered by Andy Bernay-Roman, RN, MS, LMHC, NCC, LMT. He is a nationally certified counselor in private psychotherapy practice in South Florida working with individuals, couples, and families with a deep-feeling therapy approach. Andy's medical background as an ICU nurse contributes to his success with clients with difficult medical diagnoses and/or chronic physical conditions. He also serves as head of the Psychological Support Department of West Palm Beach's Hippocrates Health Institute.For more information visit: http://www.deepfeeling.com/