Biological father is a molester
QUESTION:
Vicki, 35-year-old womanMy father left when I was 6 months old. I am now 35 and have searched for my father unsuccessfully for 2 years now. My maternal aunt however has located him and he wrote to my mother. It seems he has been incarcerated for child molestation for the last 8 years in a state correctional facility. The victim was an 8 year-old girl that he and his wife had adopted in 1986.
I am at a loss as to how I feel about now being able to contact him. I do so want to know who this man is, even more I feel myself wanting to understand why he's committed this terrible crime. Where does one begin?
ANSWER:
Women Improving Self Harmony,
Unfortunately there is no understanding why anyone would commit such a crime as child molestation. Psychologists, therapists, correctional counselors and society continue to debate the psychological dynamics of sexual perpetrators. It is apparent that based on his current incarceration that he lacks and lacked the basic characteristics necessary to raise a child. Whether your adoption was facilitated by the court or a cognizant choice of this man and your birth mother, is not revealed in your post. Regardless of the factors involved in your adoption, in light of your fathers current circumstances it appears to have been in the best interest of your personal welfare.
At 35 years of age, I am sure you have comprised a wealth of references from which to develop your personal foundation. We work with women who have been adopted. Many who have not experienced your fortune to find their parents, under any circumstance. For many, as you know, the search is life long.
What is most important for an adoptee to decipher is that their personal worth/self esteem is not determined by the inability of the birth parent to raise you. Personal worth, in our opinion, is formulated from your own personal work, deeds and abilities to make a better life for yourself and the people you embrace in it. These are difficult and perplexing emotions. You must learn to cope, vent, resolve and pursue these emotions in a forum that produces positive and effective change in your life. Life has been 'given' to all of us. In some cases birth parents choose to 'give' that life away, for another person to receive your love and the joy of family.
The fact that your Father is incarcerated addresses some definite variables to a possible reunion. However, you will most likely surmise the same probable response: he will acknowledge you or he will not. After contemplating your options: to contact him or not. It is safe to say, you will be able to contact him via letter writing.
It is our hope that, while incarcerated, everyone is able to receive the necessary rehabilitation and psychological treatment needed. Quite possibly he has reached a point where he is formulating healthier thought patterns and able to make personal amends for his criminal acts. But, it isn't always the case. Your letter may very well 'give' him, the 'life' he has been seeking within himself and allow you to go on with the life you possess.
Your choice is not easy. We wish you well on your decision. Seek counseling to prepare you and empower you, to have the strength to face, what may come.
Women Improving Self Harmony...one woman at a time.
This question was answered by Women Improving Self Harmony who provide a motivational approach to counseling. They work individually with women who are ready to create better lives for themselves by overcoming the past, building a future and learning from lessons to maintain a healthier lifestyle. Our Professional and Personal Mission statement is to allow women to sing from within, create there own personal harmony as we create our own. Our style provides one-on-one ventilation. One -on- one ventilation is making known to another your true self. With several counselors and personal life coaches we provide a gamut of services on a variety of issues.