Nursing home guilt

My mother was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. I lived next door to her for the past 6 years, and did her grocery shopping, took her to doctors appointments, and even out for lunch or dinner occasionally. My mother lost her hearing, is on a walker, and only has 20% of her sight.

One night she called the police at 2 in the morning and told them I was trying to kill her. A couple of days later she woke me up at 3 a.m. and I ran to her apartment to see what the problem was. She was in her room with a 22 rifle. I took the rifle from her and put it under the bed. She told me to get those homeless people out of her house, that the music was too loud and that they should stop moving her furniture.

I took her to the local hospital and she stayed on a 72-hour watch after much persuasion on my part. Two months later she completely turned on me and told her day-care person to take her to the Holiday Inn and she would write her a $10,000.00 dollar check. This seems strange but at the time my mother could write the check and it would go through. The day-care person came over to get me and told me that my mother had been talking strangely all day. The end result is that I got her to another hospital and they kept her for two and a half months in a Geriatric Psych ward. At the time of the hearing, the court found my mother incompetent.

My brother and I were able to find one of the best Alzheimer's homes in Southern California. Not what I would call great, but one of the better ones we looked at. With medication and a proper diet my mother seems to be doing very well and is mostly in the "here and now." When I go to visit her we have a good 10-minute visit before she gets angry and wants to go home. She is lonely and frustrated with having to be there alone. She calls it a prison.

My brother lives on the East Coast and is the person that my mother set up as executor of her health and her finances, years ago. I don't have any objection as to how he is handling her investments and her care, but he sometimes gets a different picture of how mother is doing and the reality of the situation. My grown son also has a problem with his grandmother being in a "prison" home. But they don't see the situation properly. She is fine as long as someone is getting her medication and monitoring her diet.

Now, the guilt! I feel so guilty about her needing to be there and not with me, or in some other living arrangement. She wants to come home. She has said that she would sit in a corner and not be any trouble. I know differently. She can be "in reality" for a couple of hours, maybe half a day, and then become irrational and get in the way. But then so would I if I were being held against my will.

I am having nightmares and feel very sad, almost depressed. I haven't pursued any activity outside of work for over a year because of this. I've also been angry that my mother did not prepare her life better and choose a place she would have liked to go under such circumstances. But who would have known? I'm struck between taking care of my mother and myself for the rest of her life. I live alone and I am starting to want to have more of a life, but I feel stuck in a chair, somewhat like my mother.

Could you suggest a support group for people in similar situations as me? There's nothing I can do for my mother. My brother is in charge and he is in the east. Help!