I want another child but he doesn't
QUESTION:
Brandy (26-year-old woman)My name is Brandy and I'm a 26-year-old female married to a 53-year-old man. We've been together now for 3 years and married for one year. He has an older child from a previous marriage (17) and I have a 9-year-old daughter. My problem is this: I want another child; he doesn't.
My best friend is pregnant and every time we see her, she asks, "so when are you going to do it?" We were pregnant at the same time (our children are 7 months apart) and had always said we'd do it again. My husband's immediate response to her is, "No, no way, never, forget it" - or something along those lines. I say nothing. He says he's too old, that if we had a child he would be in his 70's when he/she graduated from high school; he says he's too old to be a "Dad" as in, taking a small child fishing, etc.
What can I do? I see my friend and I cry at the thought of never being able to have more children. I want just one more. My first child I had at 17 and I love her to death but it was an unplanned pregnancy. All I had was my mom to get me through the pregnancy and we raised her until I met my husband 3 years ago. I've always wanted to do it the "right" way. I've imagined going through a pregnancy this time being happy that I have a husband and happy that someone will be there with me through it...an excited Daddy-to-be.
I am on Depro provera and he makes sure that I get the shot every three months. I know that I'd have to go off of the shot and it would/could take up to 18 months to get pregnant. That just puts us further and further down the road. I don't know what to do. I'm depressed about it and we have a wonderful marriage/relationship except for this. Please help me.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Dear Brandy,
By coincidence I recently worked with a couple that had the exact same problem. He is 20 years older than her. She wants a child. He is coping with teenage kids who live with his ex-wife but rely on him a lot. He knows he won't be able to do a repeat performance in 15 years' time.
In a way, they are worse off, because this lady has no children at all, while you do have a daughter.
My dear, all life involves compromise. You have found a good man who must think he is very lucky to have you. The two of you can't expect to have agreement on every essential topic. And there is no one else who can work it out for you.
I think he has a very valid point. He will be nearing 70 when that child is a teenager. He may well need help himself by then.
I do understand your anguish too. It is part of our instincts to want to have children.
But also, we have the capacity to assess our desires. Why do you want to have another child? Simply the fact that you are yearning for one is not an explanation. I feel you would benefit from examining the reasons for wanting this. And once you have the reasons, they may sway your husband.
In your 'background', the only reason you gave was that your friend is pregnant again, and you'd hoped to have kids together. Brandy, what would be your response if your daughter came home from school saying that all her friends had some new, expensive thing, she wants to have one too? Surely, you'd consider whether that object was good for her in her particular circumstances, and affordable by your family. Whether other kids have it or not is not really relevant.
Personally, if I were young again, I'd seriously consider choosing not to have kids at all. I worry about my grandchildren: what kind of a world are they growing into? I look around at the tragedy of youth suicide, at all the drug, alcohol and violence problems, at long term unemployment, at all the war and terrorism and craziness, and most of all at the way humanity is destroying the environment it needs to stay alive, and I thank God I am not young in this world.
Brandy, all through school I was determined I'd be a physicist. Half way through first year at University I realized that my idea of physics was unrealistic, and switched to a psychology major. Then I decided I was going to become a full Professor before I was 40. Instead, I gave the academic game away at 35 years of age.
Just because you have always wanted something, just because your yearning is strong, does not mean that satisfying that yearning is the best thing for you to do. Circumstances change, the world around you changes, there are new considerations to be allowed for. In your case, this is your husband's needs.
There are no easy answers, but think about the matters I've raised.
Have a good life,
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com