Unsatisfying relationships
QUESTION:
Grace (23 year-old woman)I am 23 years old, and I have had two serious relationships in the past, one of which is just now ending. One of the main problems in both relationships was that I lost my attraction for these men.
I mean, towards the end of the relationship, I would rather be doing just about anything else than be having sex with him. And I begin to have sexual fantasies about other people.
With my last boyfriend, I even took it so far as to tell him I wanted to see other people. During that time, I had sex with two other people, one of which was unmemorable; the other was good, but not great. Yet I crave sex all the time, and, when I was single, I sought it out, probably too much. It seems I am never satisfied. I have had a few good sexual experiences, but they weren't spectacular, by any means. And the more personally involved I am with my lover, the less I enjoy the sex, and the more it seems like a chore.
Do you think there is something wrong with me? I mean, do you think I am someone who will never enjoy sex? I would like to have a healthy relationship someday, but it seems impossible.
ANSWER:
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist
There are some details that were not supplied in this question, the biggest one being your ability to orgasm. If a woman has a high level of desire but is unable to orgasm, she is likely to feel quite frustrated and restless.
Passion is usually more intense and arousal more spontaneous early in a relationship. Initially, sex is easy and just about everything seems to work. As a relationship ages the easy turn-ons change, and that's when a relationship is tested. If the emotional commitment is sound, if the sexual lines of communication are open, if the sensual techniques have been perfected, and if the mutual willingness to keep the sexual relationship going is there, the relationship can survive. However, if it was just physical attraction, if there was no mutual understanding of each others needs, if the sexual play was awkward or off target, and if the couple allowed sexual boredom to set in, they will not make it.
A long term sexual relationship takes a bit of work, but it must be both playful and respectful. Long term sexuality is as much about giving as it is about getting. Long term commitment involves knowing that a new relationship would be initially exciting, but choosing not to go running off after each new opportunity.
The statement you made was "The more personally involved I am with my lover, the less I enjoy the sex, and the more it seems like a chore." There are those who seem to enjoy the pursuit more than the possession. There are those who seem to enjoy "dirty" sex more than a "sterile" encounter... and there are those who seem to be in a relentless search for that one special lover who will finally put an end to the restlessness.
It is great to feel sexual, but a bummer to feel unfulfilled. It is wonderful to feel free, but scary to feel out of control. I strongly recommend that you and your partner get with a qualified sex therapist and begin exploring ways to bring all your needs and fantasies into reality with that partner. With openness, honesty, and the willing to take some risks, you might just discover that it is possible to have hot satisfying sex within a committed relationship.
Bob Birch
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/