Bad memories of oral sex
QUESTION:
John, 18-year-old manMy girlfriend does not like to give oral sex, because her last boyfriend practically forced her to at times. She eventually broke up with him, but still regrets the time she spent with him. We have wonderful sex, and I would never force her to give me oral sex if she didn't want to, and we have talked about it many times. I give it to her quite often and she seems to enjoy it quite a bit. She wants to give it to me and has been very close, but is always reminded of her ex and can't do it.
I can live without oral sex, and am totally happy with her. I don't want to force her to do anything she doesn't want to, but we've been together for a year and I would like to experience it once in a while. Is there any way I can get her over her fear without hurting her emotionally? She has told me that even though she doesn't like doing it she would like to please me if only she could get past her memories.
ANSWER:
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist
Obviously it is wrong for a man to force a woman, either physically or with emotional coercion, to perform any sexual act. Oral sex is in some way very special, as we grow up thinking of genitals as "dirty." To care enough about a person to want to take "forbidden" parts into ones mouth still requires comfort... The ability to give oneself permission, despite any old messages. Some old messages are not easily overcome.
A man must be patient with a partner who is uncertain about performing fellatio, regardless of her background. This is one instance, like dancing and hand grenades, where close really counts. If a woman can become comfortable kissing a man's stomach, she might then become comfortable kissing his thighs. In time she might become comfortable kissing his penis, and it might take time before she is eventually OK with taking it into her mouth.
Do not force, do not lay on guilt trips, and do not beg! As she begins the long process of getting comfortable with having her mouth below your waist, do not hold her head, do not give directions, and do not appear disappointed if she needs to quit well before you would wish her too.
Praise small steps and continue to let her know how much you really enjoy orally pleasing her... but be clear that your are not expecting her to return the favor until she is ready to do so because she is ready.
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/