Handling jealous boyfriend

Dear Computer lady,

You have reason to be worried. Clearly, you are a mature and intelligent person who can see past the distortions brought by the rose-colored glasses of new love.

Jealousy will not go away by itself. It will only grow worse with time. It will try and try to put you into a prison, step by small step, just like over the years it has taken over your friend.

There is nothing much YOU can do about it. However, HE can. He needs help from a therapist who practices 'cognitive therapy'. Go to http://anxietyanddepression-help.com/cognit.html where I give a brief description of this approach. Also, he can seek out a book by Aaron Beck: Love is Never Enough. This is an excellent self-help book that shows how to do cognitive therapy for relationships.

He is suffering from a lifelong habit of distorted thinking. This can be challenged and conquered in about eight sessions, PROVIDED HE HAS THE MOTIVATION TO DO SO.

My suggestion is 'tough love'. Pass on this message from me, and tell him that you refuse to be put into a prison, now or in the future. His jealous behavior is guaranteeing unhappiness for himself, and he is going to inflict this on you or any other partner he may have if you separate. However much you love him, you have no wish to share in this unpleasant destiny. If he wants a future with you, he MUST address his feelings of jealousy.

If the two of you are to marry without first solving the problem, jealousy will turn your lives into hell, and you will lose each other anyway. Therefore, regardless of the joy of your love for each other now, it is better to part before all the mutual hurt than after.

Actually, I have written a novel where jealousy is a central theme. In that, I have a number of quotes about jealousy:

Jealousy, excessive possessiveness, is a very destructive emotion. It is a tragedy that kills what it values, for the object of jealousy almost invariably ends up rejecting the constraints of jealous love.

In part, jealousy is a feeling of entitlement. The unspoken, irrational thought behind the emotion is, 'I love you so much that you owe me an equal return of love.' Jealousy is a double tragedy: the more the jealous partner demands, the less the loved person is able to return...

Almost invariably, jealousy grows out of insecurity. The jealous lover has a feeling that, unless he binds the loved person, she will escape. No amount of love, no amount of reassurance can satisfy his love, for always and ever, the loved person's return love must be proven anew. And at last, jealousy's fears come true, brought about precisely by jealousy itself.

A person given to jealousy may well be an overachiever. They tend to excel in many fields, for whatever they do, they must prove their self-worth over and over and over. And after every proof, they still feel the need to prove their worth yet again...

Jealousy is based on irrational premises, so the proper treatment is 'Cognitive Therapy,' the process of encouraging the sufferer to prove these deep beliefs to be false.

Ask him to keep a record of the thoughts going through his head just before feelings of jealousy intrude. Then convert these thoughts into a testable form, and have the sufferer test them. These surface thoughts can be used to expose deeper held beliefs. The reader is referred to Aaron Beck's work for details.

This is quoted from a book read by one of the characters in my book. Actually, the rest of the story is relevant too: you can see jealousy and its defeat in action. If you are interested, go to http://bobswriting.com/sleeper.html.

In summary, jealousy is going to poison both your lives, unless he attacks it. Help is available, and he can defeat a lifelong pattern of thought in a couple months of weekly visits to a competent person. He should do this for his own well-being. He should do it if he wants to keep you.

You are clearly not the kind of person to be constrained and constricted and put into a box. If he doesn't conquer jealousy, he'll lose you anyway, after a lot of unhappiness for both of you.

This should give him plenty of motivation to do something about it.

Please get back to me and tell me your (and his) reaction to my suggestions, and later, let me know the outcome.

Good luck,

Bob Rich