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Hello, I am 54 and have been dating my boyfriend (61 years old) for nearly six years. Over the past year or so, he made it clear that marriage will not be in the picture for us or with any other woman. Last summer I sold my home and ended up staying with him where I could go to school and change careers. Unfortunately, school did not live up to what it was supposed to be and required another semester, which is what I am doing now (i.e. finishing my training as a jeweller). School will be over in December and my plan has always been (and he agreed to it) that at that time, I would find a place to apprentice with and get my own home. He has a next-door neighbor lady the same age as me who has been very dependent on him and I have seen them spending more and more time "visiting".
Frank has decided that he wants to start seeing the neighbor lady and even took her on a date the other night. I really don't know how to handle this while I am still here. There is no option at this time for me to get moved out immediately. I was also just offered the chance to purchase a business which I am looking into quite seriously and hope it opens doors very quickly. How do I handle the pain and emotions that this causes? How can I be nice and sweet, aloof, and absent as much as possible? Any insights to this difficult situation will be much appreciated. I have never lived with a man before and really let myself fall into this. Oh yes! He still wants to sleep with me, since I'm "still here". I'm not sure if we should stay intimate (he admits he cares for me still, we're just incompatible in his eyes), or separate bedrooms (which is what I have done since this started this week). Since he doesn't want marriage and he's seeing someone else, I decided to keep my distance bedroom wise. Is that the right thing? Thank you for your time.
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Dear Sue,
Only you can truly know what the “right thing” is for you. I understand that Frank going out with his neighbour while you are living there puts you in a situation in which you don’t know what to do. It is a situation where due to other circumstances you are not able to move out immediately, perhaps it even seems like you aren’t really able to move in any direction.
It seems that the business possibilities you mention brings you hope, that while you are still looking into it you anticipate that it will open its door quickly. As once its doors opens you will have a direction, or a place, where you can be you.
You are in pain. It hurts that the first man you have lived with thinks it won’t work; believes that you are “just” (like it is some small insignificant thing) incompatible, as if in some way this “incompatibility” means that the relationship can be brushed aside. It seems incredulous that this “incompatibility” remained undiscovered for nearly six years.
He is seeing someone else, but as you are still there, would happily sleep with you. Is this him trying to make himself feel better for what has occurred? Can the care that he feels soothe all of the pain and confusion that you are experiencing?
You are confused about how to handle this, wondering if you should be distantly polite until you find a way out of this situation. By being aloof you can erect a barrier between you and Frank, perhaps even hide your pain and confusion here. Yet at the same time you care deeply about him. These feelings are real and valid. Only you can know what is right for you.
You are making decisions about the way you wish to proceed with your life. You are growing into the person that you truly are. Be true to yourself Sue
Kind Regards,
Matthew Bibby
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