I just ended a relationship with a man whom I was with since August 1999. When he and I got into the relationship, his wife had moved out of their apartment and I was told that they would be getting a divorce. Because they had a kid together and she would consistently use their daughter as leverage to get what she wanted, she gets what she wants. Because he is afraid of her finding out that he is with someone, we have to keep our relationship a secret. He claimed (and I believe him to a point) that their relationship is over, and that the only reason he is so adamant about this is because if she were to find out about us, she would take (or try to take) his daughter away from him, or hurt his daughter.

My problem is that after all this time he hasn't even contacted a lawyer. All he did was complain about it. I did extensive research for him regarding father's rights, etc., but he has done nothing. I ended the relationship because I could not take being kept a secret any longer and I could not respect him for not taking a stand for his daughter.

Is what I did/feel wrong or selfish?

Woman (23 year-old woman)

Dear 'Woman',

I find it easy to answer your question. You were right to break off this relationship. This man was using you. You did all the right things. You had a suspicion and tested it out to see what would happen. When the man showed that he was not willing to commit himself to you, you severed the relationship.

This took courage, and even now you are having doubts. Don't: trust your intuition.

I don't know where you live, but almost everywhere non-custodial parents have access rights. You wrote that you have researched this for the father. He has been using the child as an excuse to have things both ways, otherwise he would have gone ahead and protected his access rights, and publicly declared himself for you.

Go ahead with your life. And don't let this sour you towards other men. Not all of us are 'users'.

All the best,

Bob Rich