Lonely Guy
QUESTION:
No Surprises, 29-year-old manI am a 29-year-oId college student who recently got into shape. I have been single for almost all my life, and the relationships that I have had never panned out. I think the longest relationship I had lasted 4 months.
I have been single for a very long time now (8 years) and in those 8 years I have gained weight and became even more shy and introverted. Just recently, I decided to go back to school, better myself and get into shape. It's been almost a year now and I have lost 50 lbs, and feeling great about myself. The only problem I have is that I don't know how to talk to women. And when I do, it's awkward and I think I come off as boring. All I want to do is to have a woman feel the same way I feel about her.
I have been talking to this one girl lately...we started talking back in November and we have this weird relationship. We started off as study buddies and found out we think very much alike and work well together. I am very attracted to her, and she has told me she is attracted to me as well, but she wants to be single and enjoy life right now because a year prior, she got out of a 4-year relationship. She still talks to her ex-boyfriend on the regular and she has told me she does not plan on getting back together with him. During the school year, we saw each other every day, working on our school stuff, going out to eat and hanging around each other. I think I kinda scared her a little when I asked her if this was going anywhere and she told me the same thing..."I don't want a relationship right now. I am attracted to you, but just not ready yet." She use to call and text me a lot, but lately she seems to be drifting away.
I think I might have screwed up here, and I wish I could fix it because I really care about this girl a lot. I know friendships first work out better in the long run, but I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket. While I'm waiting to see what happens, I want to experience more so I could learn what to do and what not to do, but all recent attempts at talking to girls has somewhat failed. For instance, I can get a girl's number, but I never get any return calls or texts. I just wish it was easier to get a girl in this day and age, but as you get older, it gets a lot harder finding one.
If you have any advice for a lonely guy, I am willing to listen and learn. I'm tired of being the only single guy out of my friends. I feel like they only hang out with me now because they feel sorry for me. I am not a bad looking guy, just shy and sometimes awkward, but my friends have told me that's the first impression that I give off, but once they got to know me, I am actually pretty funny in a weird way.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
That's a very insightful analysis. You know what the problem is, and what to do about it. You are good company, decent, intelligent, helpful. You can make people laugh and feel good in your company. That's once you have become comfortable in disclosing yourself. When with a relative stranger, you put on another face: the awkward, boring one.
So, what you need to do is to present to strangers in the way you do to people who have already earned your trust. Think about what the difference is. When someone already knows you quite well, you don't expect them to be judging you. You are therefore free to relax and act spontaneously without having to worry about being found to be inferior.
So, my theory is that the difference is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you feel yourself to be on trial, you act in a way others find to be unattractive. When you feel yourself to be already accepted, you act in a way others find attractive.
You can test my theory. Go into a group where no one knows you, and where you don't expect to return. Approach one or two or three of these strange people with the knowledge that since you'll never see them again, it doesn't matter in the slightest what they think about you. You are not trying to make an impression, just to talk with these people, make them laugh, feel good in your company. It doesn't matter if you succeed or not. If they should think of you in any negative way, so what.
Then, after one of these trials, go home, think about what you did right, what you did wrong, how you can improve your performance next time. Then choose a next time, with another group of strangers. If I am right, then once you stop worrying about the impression you are making, you'll be acting with them in the way you do with those friends who like your company. So, they will like your company.
Now for the issue you started with. Value this girl as a friend. Treat her as a friend. If and when she is ready to go further, she will let you know. In the meantime, feel free to befriend other girls. If you approach them the way I suggested, they will enjoy the experience.
And when at last one accepts you as her love, she will be very fortunate. The guys who seduce girls left and right make very poor partners. Men like you will be loving, caring and respectful for the rest of their lives, being there for the girl who rescued them from loneliness.
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com