No libido
QUESTION:
Linda, 47-year-old womanI am a 47-year-old, attractive, married female. I am also a mother of four. I take Lisonopril for blood pressure and that's it. I have no health issues, I am not depressed, and I work at a low-stress job.
For years and years I have had a low or no libido. No health or mental issues to speak of, it's just that I couldn't care less about it. It would be fine with me if I never had sex again, other than the fact that I have a hurting, loving husband and I know this is not normal for a healthy woman. My marriage is at a crisis point because this has gone on for so long. My husband is understanding and has been trying to help me. I should be enjoying my sexuality right now!
I have no symptoms of menopause yet, no past sexual abuse. No major life events. I was prescribed O-gel with no results. Lingerie, toys, erotica...nothing has worked. I endure it all but remain almost dead to it. I don't seem to fit into any category. My husband and I used to have a sizzling sex life. What has changed? I have no idea. Why am I like this? Even other women seems baffled, which makes me feel even more isolated! I can't seem to find any help, anywhere! Please, please, please help me.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Dear Linda,
When you met, when you were a young married couple, both of you were motivated to do everything possible to GIVE to the other. Your sex life was sizzling because it was not a duty, an obligation or a habit, but a fresh, wonderful way of giving pleasure to the person who filled your thoughts.
Over time, life became a routine. You each started to take the other for granted: a safe, causally loved person in the background, while other matters gained high priority. Sex also became routine and boring, no longer a matter of giving pleasure, but just one of those things you are supposed to do when you are married. Maybe it could even be an imposition. "I want to finish reading this book or watching this show, and there is my partner, getting in the way."
In this way, over time, negatives got attached to it. So, now when your husband feels loving, he needs to compete with other claims on your attention. Sex has become a matter of taking pleasure for him, and something you'd rather avoid for you.
It would be wonderful if you could return joy into your marriage. I don't know your practical situation, but whatever it is, you can put romance back into it. Organize boyfriend-girlfriend occasions, the kinds of activities you used to enjoy together when everything was fresh. Develop shared activities. For example, both of you can enrol in the same course, so you can learn together, and discuss the subject matter. You could join a group focused on dancing, playing music, amateur theatricals, or tai chi. You could play games together, such as scrabble or chess. You could both volunteer for some organization you approve of.
Next, you can both take on a new paid job. This job is to do everything possible to make your partner happy. Your payment is joy when you manage to do so.
And note the return of the sizzle.
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com