I want a relationship, he doesn't
QUESTION:
Jessie, 23-year-old womanI have been "friends" with Seth for 3 years. When we first met we hit it off, and were headed down the relationship path. Then I went out of town for 2 months. When I came back to town, he was dating a friend of mine. We did not speak for a year and did not acknowledge each other. I was devastated.
This summer they broke up, and we started to talk and hang out again. This time I did not let myself get so emotionally attached. This is where I am stuck. He has more than one female friend, with no intentions of getting into a relationship. I told him that I was too emotionally attached to him and wanted to be with only him. He told me that he didn't want a relationship but cares about me and likes me. So I said that I could not talk and hang out with him anymore. He just can't seem to accept this, and keeps coming into my life. The thing is, I love hanging out with him platonically, but I also want him in other ways. I don't want to lose him.
Do you think that there is a future with Seth? What are his intentions? I don't know how to let go of this person.
ANSWER:
Jerry Button, L.M.H.C.
Dear Jessie,
Well, the answer to the first part of your question is easy. Seth wants to date lots of women and he does not want to tie himself down to one - neither you nor anyone else. He apparently enjoys spending time with you and is content indulging himself in that activity even if it makes you unhappy and uncomfortable
Now, the real question is why you want this to be a relationship. I understand that there must be qualities in this man that make you enjoy being with him, but he seems to have treated you badly from the beginning (or at least from the time you went out of town). Was he dating other women before that? Even if he was not, he certainly began to do so as soon as you were out of sight!
It's very hard to revert to friendship after you have been involved romantically. In fact, I'm not sure it's possible at all. It's unhealthy to be in the position you're in, living in limbo.
My advice is to get yourself out of that limbo. Take a realistic look at Seth and your relationship to him and go find someone who appreciates you. Don't put your life on hold waiting for someone who doesn't care. You'll have a lot more respect for yourself if you do let go.
Good Luck!
Jerry Button
This question was answered by Jerry Button. Jerry is a psychotherapist, personal development trainer, workshop presenter and relationship coach practicing in Delray Beach, Florida. He believes that the key to quality of life lies in relationships. His approach to interpersonal and emotional problems is relational and psychodynamic. Jerry is experienced working with individuals, children and families and welcomes challenging opportunities.For more information visit: http://www.dynamicrelationships.net/