Revenge for dumping him
QUESTION:
Kendall, 18-year-old womanHello. Please help me with some good advice because I'm really feeling hopeless. I don't know who to turn to.
Two months ago I met somebody in an online chat. He is 19 and I'm 18.We talked and decided to meet even though I was not allowed. I snuck out and met him. He kissed me on our first date. I was speechless because I didn't know him well and never had a boyfriend. We met twice.
I'm conservative & he's crazy. He lives with his roommates and goes to parties until 5am and sleeps with girls. He's quite handsome too. Time passed and he lost his desire to talk to me. He slept during our dates or forgot about them since he was out all night partying. I couldn't meet him often and I was the only one texting. So I told him I couldn't take it anymore and we were over. He said he couldn't stand being dumped by me (male ego) and let me go.
Two weeks ago he got back in touch. He told me I was different from everyone he had met and I was a perfect girl and didn't want to lose me even as a friend. I told him I couldn't forgive him and that he had hurt me, but I forgave him. This was my biggest mistake. We continued talking like friends (he said that it was not a relationship since we couldn't see each other often - he was right). We were even going to meet and he promised to come every time I had free time. Then something happened. I was telling him how much I hated people who see I have money and want to use me and he said, "I need a favor. Somebody stole my book money on the bus today. I have 60 dollars. Can you lend me the other 60?" I said I couldn't because I couldn't steal my family. He said he was sorry for asking. Then I changed the topic and he said he didn't want to talk anymore. No explanation. I wrote to him again and again and his only words were, "We never had something. We were only friends. You go your way and I'll go mine. Wishing you lots of success. Bye."
We were going great, and I'm very sad. He wanted me back and then took revenge for dumping him. He has asked me lots of favors and I had problems with the law because of him (and did something to protect him but he doesn't know anything about that). I'm a very nice person but I can be easily persuaded. He had me in the palm of his hands. He just had to say the right things for a week I'd do what he wanted but he always messed things up. I miss him and cry every night.
What should I do? He ignores me. I know he hurt me - I know he always does that. Perhaps he has forgotten my name. I know we're different and he wants a different life but I was hoping we could be friends. I'm desperate I know. Plus, he hasn't run out of money because he posts photos of him in pubs wasting money.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Kendall, I know it hurts. He was the first man you gave your affections to, and he proved to be completely unworthy of your love.
It is reasonable that, for a while, you should feel a big loss, as if something good and important had ended for you. It is OK to cry. You have lost some dreams and excitement in your life, and also no doubt you are questioning yourself: Your judgment, your attractiveness, your future. I don't know what, but I am sure you have many such thoughts. It is OK to do this, for now.
When you feel you have grieved enough, here is something that will help. Suppose it is 10 years from now. You are 28, and have a couple of kids. This man is your husband. Unless he has made enormous changes, what will he be doing? Do you think he will still be having fun with other women? Getting drunk with his friends and burning money to show off? Taking your money and punishing you if you step out of line?
Maybe he will have changed his ways by then. But people only change if what they are doing stops working for them. As long as he can be irresponsible and manipulating and get his way, he has no reason to do anything else. So, perhaps you have had a lucky escape?
My dear, there is no such thing as a mistake. There are only learning opportunities. What can you learn from this? In what way can you become a wiser, stronger, better person from what happened to you?
Have a good life,
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com