Queendom.com - the land of tests tests quizzes polls advice articles blog
My ProfileMy Profile


    Forgot Password?...

  New? Register here...
  My Profile tour...
spacer
Editor Pick

Analytical Reasoning Test

This analytical aptitude test assesses inductive and deductive reasoning skills. Verbal and quantitative reasoning skills are important in business decision making and IT ...
take this test...
spacer
Related Tests
Tests
Interpersonal Communication Skills Test
Parenting Style Test
Arguing Style Test
Social Skills Test
Self-Disclosure Test For Couples - Abridged

Articles show

Polls show
spacer
Quick Poll
What is the one aspect of your life you wish you could change/improve more than anything else?
My finances

My physical appearance

My job

My love life

My relationship with family/friends

My level of education/knowledge

My psychological health

I wouldn't change a thing!



spacer
July 25, 2014 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

submit your question
He loves me but doesn't understand me
Question:

When I was fourteen I started dating a boy named Pat who was sixteen. At the age of sixteen, and after living in two different foster homes, Pat invited me to live with his family. We were an item for two more years until we broke up and I moved out. Parting on bad terms, Pat and I didn't talk for almost a year. When we did see each other again we tried a relationship once more, but decided that there was no intimacy between us and we were better off as friends. After that, I had decided I didn't want to get back into another relationship for quite some time.

Then, I meet Jim, and "wow" - he's the one. I'm absolutely head over heels for him. He moved in with me and a few months later, we traveled for a year in the South Pacific. We are in Samoa and plan to get married at the end of the year in Tahiti, our last stop.

You can probably foresee the problem already. I keep in touch with all my friends from Canada, including Pat, but Jim can't understand why I have to keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend. I told Jim that Rob and his family really helped me out when I was younger and that I owed him my loyalty. I've told him how I felt and we discuss it all the time, but we just keep going around in circles. I love Jim more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but I don't want to lose him because of his insecurities with Pat.

What should I do? I'm willing to do anything to make this work. It has been a recurring problem throughout our trip. Please help me.

Nessa (21 year-old woman)

Answer:

Hi Nessa,

I've worked with a number of young women who are in just the same situation that you are (except that they are not traveling the South Seas). Every one of them would feel the same way you do about your former boyfriend and his family, and I feel that it is natural that you have that sense of loyalty. You've had a very poor relationship history with your family, and Pat and his family gave you, what sounds like, your first experience of a supportive family relationship. I suspect that in a way, Pat has become more like a brother to you than a boyfriend (if I'm right, that may explain why your breakup was rough). Perhaps that's a way you can explain it to Jim. I can vouch that from my experience, this is what happens when you get "adopted" by a family after being rejected by your own.

You also mention Rob. Is that a typo or another of Pat's names? Is it someone else entirely? Did you have two families that helped you out? I think the same principal would apply if you did, but it might make the explaining more difficult.

You say Jim loves you, but doesn't understand you. I don't think that's possible. Is it you he loves, or some idea of you? Do you feel loved absolutely? Or do you feel that the love is conditional? If your feelings about your former relationships with men trigger some deep seated sense of insecurity in Jim, then he may not be capable of loving you fully. If this is true, no matter how wonderful the "being in love is", you're asking for future difficulties if you marry a man who is attempting to dictate relationship terms to you. Remember, your early relationship history has left you without a strong foundation (no good models) on which to build a relationship, so be wary about committing to a man who may also have a significant relationship impairment.

My recommendation is that you talk these things over with Jim and, perhaps, suggest that he do some work on his insecurity (and the reasons underlying it) before you get married. Two strong people make a better pair than one strong one and one weak one (or worse yet, two weak ones).

Good Luck!

Jerry Button

This question was answered by Jerry Button. Jerry is a psychotherapist, personal development trainer, workshop presenter and relationship coach practicing in Delray Beach, Florida. He believes that the key to quality of life lies in relationships. His approach to interpersonal and emotional problems is relational and psychodynamic. Jerry is experienced working with individuals, children and families and welcomes challenging opportunities.

For more information visit the site or compact information page on QueenDom.

follow
share
 
 
GoodTherapy.org Therapist Directory