Giving up the other woman

Dear "Tbot,"

Yours is a classic situation. You're not the first caught in this dilemma. And there is no one solution.

I read that you have made your choice. You're committed to returning to your wife and staying faithful, however hard you find it. The advice you are asking for is, how to succeed, and resist the pressures to fall back. Am I right?

There is a trick for dealing with difficult, painful decisions and intentions. Ask the question, "In what way can I become a better person from experiencing my problem?"

If you'd simply stayed faithful to your wife, unquestioningly going along with societal expectations, you'd have saved a lot of suffering for yourself and others. But, because you had the affair, you have been forced to think, to question, to grow. This is painful, and it's easy to doubt yourself, to be tempted to fall back. Growth always hurts.

But, have you become a better, wiser, more decent person because you were faced with a difficult choice, and decided to rebuild your marriage?

I suspect your wife also found herself in a similar situation. Her temptation will have been to reject you, hate you, want revenge. Instead, she also made a good choice, and worked toward a reconciliation. So, she also has grown through suffering.

All the same, her suffering is the direct consequence of your past weakness. You owe her restitution for this, and that may be the answer to your request. When you feel it's just too hard, remember this. Feeling guilt and shame are counterproductive, but feeling responsibility for having imposed pain is good. You owe her. You can pay by giving her a good life, the security of being able to trust you, by acting in a way that makes her feel loved. We are what we DO, not what we think or feel. Whatever that is can stay private.

Finally, you have experienced a joy you didn't know existed. For this, you can stay thankful. One glass of wine can be fine. But now, having drunk that, you don't need to become an alcoholic.

Have a good life,

Bob