Trying to forget first love
QUESTION:
Djbobo, 35-year-old manEight years ago I met the love of my life. I loved her so much but due to certain circumstances, I had to leave the country and we ended our relationship. She moved on to a new relationship and I stayed alone for quite some time. I never stopped thinking about her.
I met someone else a couple of years later. I was lonely and we got together. I was her first, and she did a lot of things to be with me - lied to her family and left everything to be with me. We have been married for 6 years. I care a lot about her - I wouldn't want to hurt her. I think I love her, but I'm not in love with her, I never felt the same way that I felt with the one before.
My ex contacted me a few months ago, and we have been talking for a while. All those feelings that were there are still there. She is going through a rough time and she's leaving her husband (yes, she got married too a few years ago). She says that she has always kept me in her mind and that she got really sad when she knew I was married years ago. We were never really talking, maybe a message once every 2 years or so.
I want to be with her so bad, but I don't know what to do. My wife is a good person, but I don't think I ever really felt connected. I can't leave her; she would fall apart without me, her family would crush her. We live in a different country by ourselves and our families are far away; she has no one else - it would be a disaster.
I don't know what to do. Should I forget about the love of my life and stay just not to hurt someone I really care about? We haven't had kids yet, but she has been bringing up the idea. I don't know what to tell her, because if we have kids, I know for sure I would never leave, and my love would never accept to be with me if I have kids...she would never do that.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
There is a beautiful wall poster. It is two full-rigged sailing ships sailing side by side. Written under is: "We come from different ports, are headed to different destinations. Isn't it wonderful that we could share our journey for awhile?"
The time you shared with your first love is precious, and a memory to be cherished. It is in your past. Handled right, it sweetens your life. Handled wrong, it sours it.
You're clearly an honorable man. You've made a promise to your wife; you care for her happiness and wellbeing, and don't want to hurt her. This is difficult, because you feel that life with the other lady would be full of ecstasy, a return to that young romance.
If you left your wife and resumed your first relationship, at first, indeed, it would be wonderful. But the honeymoon fades, and after awhile, it would not be too different from what you have now. I can guarantee that, because plenty of research shows it to be the case.
Choice points, challenges, difficulties, problems - they are the growing points. Look on your current temptation and yearning as an opportunity to become a stronger, more compassionate, better person. You are in two minds. I suggest you follow your "better self": The one who wants to avoid harm, who appreciates the sacrifices your wife made to be with you, the one who insists on staying honorable.
Have you ever heard of the "7-year itch"? When a romance transitions into an endless daily round, when two people know each other so well that no mystery is left, when practicalities drown out fun, many people look elsewhere, trying in vain to recapture that glow of years ago. I think both you and your first lady are in this situation.
Please read the following, and you can learn how to build a good relationship. Consider yourself someone whose task is to be of service to your wife. Act AS IF you were in love with her. Give it a few months, then let me know how things are.
All the best my friend,
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com