Grieving for father

Dear Shandi,

Death is a part of life. We all die, sooner or later. What counts is not how long we live, but how well.

The fact that you love your father so much says good things about him. He must have done well in the journey of life. Also, your great pain says good things about you. Being able to love is wonderful. Grief is the price we pay.

Here is a thought that helps many people: He passed on. You, his child, are still here. How would he feel if you had died, and he survived you? What would you rather have, him grieving for you, or you grieving for him?

Your loss is very new. It is a little like a broken bone. It hurts, but if we do all the right things, it heals, and the once-broken part of the bone is actually stronger. In the same way, your grief, once processed, can leave you a better, stronger person.

It is necessary for you to feel this pain, but it is not necessary to feel it 24 hours a day. For the next few months, set aside two hours a day, not too close to bedtime - 5 to 7 pm suits many people. During those two hours, give yourself permission to feel whatever comes and do whatever you need to: cry, rage at the unfairness of the world, pray, anything that's necessary. When a thought of grief comes at any other time, say inside your mind, "Go away, dear Father, I'll see you at 5 pm." This actually does work, as long as you conscientiously keep the appointment.

Later, you will be able to reduce the time you need to devote to your grief, and eventually it will only be needed on special days like his birthday, anniversary of his passing, and a few other days that were special to the two of you. Even those times will be bitter-sweet: you will enjoy looking at old photographs, laughing with tears in your eyes about funny events in your past, and so on.

When you are ready (now or later), read a wonderful book by Elizabeth Harper Neeld: "Seven Choices: Finding daylight after loss shatters your world."

With caring,

Bob