Want to hurt my dad
QUESTION:
Ronny, 18-year-old manI have some family issues, and recently, I've been thinking about the possibility of a violent future with my family.
I'm 18 at the moment. I dropped out of University due to depression. I'm sort of over that now, but I face another problem: I wish to start school again and want to live in the dorms, but my family may not want to pay for it. In my country (Belgium) parents are forced by law to pay for my education and for accommodation, especially if I'm not allowed to live at home or if I don't earn enough. This is a serious problem for me since I cannot stand another year with my parents.
A bit of backstory as to why I hate my parents: I live in an Asian family and my parents pretty much mentally abused me. They never gave me the love I needed (talked to me, comforted me when I was sad, supported my wishes or decisions, etc.). From what I remember, my mother was angry and shouting at us almost every day, primarily my sister at the time. It was almost always a one-sided fight (verbal). Talking was impossible, because she would say that if we talked back, it's disrespectful. At that time, we weren't allowed to have opinions, because in her mind, we would only have the right to think for ourselves when we were 18. Before that age, everything she said was absolute. Because of this I became a very quiet/shy kid and did not have a lot of friends. Also, because I was only allowed to visit my friends on rare occasions, instead of socializing I became a game freak. My dad couldn't speak Dutch (and I couldn't speak Chinese, because I was raised to speak Dutch by my mom), so he pretty much never talked to me. The main things I remember him doing was being mean, and preventing me from playing games. It was very difficult for me since my mom was preventing me from having a social life, while my dad was preventing me from having an asocial life.
In my teen years a few things changed, not without a fight (verbally again), but I became very sad and lonely because my emotions grew stronger. There were a lot of problems, but the main one was that my parents did not want to pay for my university bills. In the end, I had to pay them myself, but as I said before, I quit due to depression. I've been at home these past few months. I am not working yet because I'm very insecure about my looks due to acne, and I'm lacking some confidence due to my past. I wish to begin school again, but this time I want to live in the dorms. Paying for my own schooling will be a problem, but that's not my biggest worry. My biggest worry is that my parents do not want to pay for the dorms, since that's an expense too expensive for me to cover (school bills are relatively cheap in Belgium).
I've hated my parents for a very long time (both my brother and sister hate them too), but I cannot stand another year being in the same house as them. These few months of staying home has been hell for me. My dad seems to constantly seek new ways to make it tougher to live at home. I constantly feel annoyed or angry when I'm in the same space as them and mostly hide in my room. They also badmouth me to my brother or sometimes to me when I'm in the same room, and it annoys me so much. In my eyes, they've ruined my life up until now, and the thought of them ruining my future infuriates me. I tried to seek justice for the mental abuse when I turned 18. I was told the only way was to go through court, which seems like an impossible wall to climb for an 18-year old, and de-motivates me. It's also very hard to find proof for my abuse, so I feel so powerless thanks to the system. Due to all of this, I cannot stop thinking that if I stay another year with my parents (especially my dad, since I hate him the most), I will physically attack my dad (not my mom, unless she attacks me). I do not wish to kill him, but I'm afraid of the possibility, since I bear a lot of hatred towards him.
Sorry for the long message, but I thought extra information would help. I do wish every day that both of my parents would die, especially my dad. I'm afraid that I might become the one to kill him someday. What should I do in this situation?
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Dear Ronny,
I am a little hesitant to offer you my opinion, because there is guaranteed to be a cultural difference. I don't know to what extent your thinking is culturally Chinese, or to what extent it is European. Also, I don't know what, if any, religious beliefs you have. All the same, I understand the reason for your anger and worry. I think almost any person in your situation would feel similarly. For immediate mental first aid, please have a look at the information provided here. You will find that working on the seven measures described there will help.
One of your problems, acne, is medical. Go to a dermatologist. A change in diet will possibly help. Improving any aspect of your life will help with other problems. But also, the handicap is not that your face has pimples, like that of many teenagers, but that you react negatively to it. If you didn't care whether you have pimples for now, then they would have no effect on your life.
You see, many people have something they don't like about themselves. This could be crooked teeth, being shorter or taller than others, being skinny or fat, going bald early or having hairy ears, etc. Some people with issues like these dislike their appearance, and it's a problem. Others with the exact same appearance issues don't care, and so others don't either. I've recently seen a beautiful young woman walking hand in hand with a boy who had acne, and she clearly loved him. I used to know a young man who was terribly self-conscious about early baldness, and another who had less hair, but was popular.
Many of your other problems are habitual ways of thinking. You have explained the source of these habits very well, but you are not obliged to continue them. If your reaction to your parents' behavior now causes you distress, then deliberately choose to change how you react. This is perfectly possible, and it's what you can achieve through working with a psychologist. As well as getting therapy (or instead of it), have a look at my book, From Depression to Contentment: A self-therapy guide.You can transform your life by conscientiously working through this program.
Next, on to your long-term relationship with your parents. It is natural for you to feel resentment and anger. But those emotions are like a hot coal you have picked up to throw at them: It is your hand that is being burned. When I was a boy, I felt about my step-father the way you feel about your father. He managed to get rid of me when I was 13, then I met him again at 21. I learned his story, what made him the person he was, and instead of anger, I felt sympathy, and even fondness. We became friends, and that was the start of my healing.
Your father has acted the way he has, and that's his load to carry. You have chosen to react, perfectly naturally, with anger. But now that you are a young adult, you can choose to react with pity. Think of all the good things he missed out on, if only he could have treated his children with love. He acted a certain way, and karma, the consequence of his actions, has caught up with him. What he sent out he is now getting back. Once you genuinely pity him, your anger will go. That's what happened with me and my step-father.
The remaining issue you mentioned is money. OK, you have acne, and so have avoided seeking a job. As I said, work on clearing your face up, but also, look the world in the eye, and apply for jobs anyway. You raised money for your education before, do it again. Do you really want to accept money from people you dislike? There are many jobs you can do, even if you're self-conscious about your pimples. For example, you could get a heavy vehicle license, and drive a truck during the weekends, while studying during the week. Or you could train for some other semi-skilled occupation that doesn't involve contact with the public, work for a year and save money to study for a year, or part-time. I don't know what your skills and interests are, but there are many possibilities. My son earned money while at university by growing asparagus he sold to restaurants. A young woman worked as a cook for two years while going to night school. Get creative and determined, and you can do anything.
You are welcome to email me back.
Your new grandfather,
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com