{"id":5446,"date":"2018-04-11T12:21:40","date_gmt":"2018-04-11T16:21:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/queendomblog.wordpress.com\/?p=5446"},"modified":"2018-04-11T12:21:40","modified_gmt":"2018-04-11T16:21:40","slug":"why-do-people-avoid-asking-for-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=5446","title":{"rendered":"Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard, Even When You Need It"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" src=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/help_each_other.jpg\" alt=\"help_each_other\" class=\"wp-image-5449\" style=\"width:461px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/help_each_other.jpg 800w, https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/help_each_other-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/help_each_other-768x512.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It&#8217;s a question I often ask of myself. I have the luxury of having a handful of close friends and family members who I can talk to when I am going through a difficult time\u2014I did so just last week\u2014but I also found myself hesitating, my finger hovering over the call button. Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Pride and\/or stubbornness.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>A distaste for vulnerability.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Fear of how the other person would view me and\/or my problem.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>The belief, albeit distorted, that I should be able to do things on my own and that I don&#8217;t need help. I&#8217;m an independent woman, aren&#8217;t I? Except that I don&#8217;t know how to parallel park and need someone to guide me. I also can&#8217;t change a tire and don&#8217;t know whether I should be using synthetic oil\u2014but I can call roadside assistance by myself, so there.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>I did end up calling my friend after all; I did ask her for help. And then when she called to follow-up and see how I was doing, I shut up tight; I closed my emotional vault. My friend knows me too well, however.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;You&#8217;ve shown vulnerability, and now you&#8217;re keeping me at a distance.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;I hope you understand why we can&#8217;t be friends anymore,&#8221; I responded. &#8220;And why I may have to kill you.&#8221; I was kidding, naturally, and she laughed it off, but it offers insight into my character: I&#8217;ll lean on you if I need you, and I sometimes (often) really, really want to, but this requires me to feel and show vulnerability\u2026and I don&#8217;t like doing that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So am I the only one who is like this? Nope, because no one is an island. I dug up some data from Queendom&#8217;s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/tests\/take_test.php?idRegTest=3634\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Coachability Test<\/a>, and here&#8217;s what I discovered about people who don&#8217;t like asking for help:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">They hate admitting when that they don&#8217;t understand something that was said or when they are unfamiliar with a topic. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s what goes through my head when someone brings up a topic I know little about: &#8220;I refuse to tell you that I have no idea what you&#8217;re talking about, because then I&#8217;ll feel stupid and I&#8217;ll also assume that you&#8217;ll think I&#8217;m stupid, even though I am quite intelligent. But sitting here nodding as though I know what you&#8217;re talking about also makes me feel stupid, so I&#8217;m stuck between a rock and a dumb place.&#8221; Interestingly, this fear of looking stupid is also the reason why people in Queendom&#8217;s sample avoid asking questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">They hate being criticized.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>It doesn&#8217;t matter how constructive your criticism is, people who hate asking for help also tend to get defensive when offered negative feedback; they just can&#8217;t help but feel angry at the person who criticized them. What&#8217;s interesting is that people who tend to lash out when criticized aren&#8217;t really angry with the critique as much as they are with themselves. Once again, it comes down to a fear of vulnerability as well as seen as incompetent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">They hate admitting when the can&#8217;t do something on their own.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>They are also very reluctant to admit when they&#8217;ve made a mistake. Pride certainly plays a role, as is an aversion to hearing &#8220;I told you so,&#8221; but the formula is generally the same: Fear of vulnerability + Fear of looking weak = Fear of admitting mistakes and asking for help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">They sometimes hesitate to take on new challenges or opportunities. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Why? A major part of it might be a fear of failure, but here&#8217;s my logic: If I take on something very difficult, I probably won&#8217;t be able to do it on my own. This means I&#8217;ll need to ask you for help\u2013but what&#8217;s the point of taking on a goal if I&#8217;m not going to be able to accomplish it on my own? Solution: Tackle goals that are within my comfort zone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">It&#8217;s really hard to sit back and let someone else take charge. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>They&#8217;re used to doing things on their own; they&#8217;re used to taking the lead and telling people how to do things. They may even be used to helping other people. This happens a lot with family caregivers who work themselves to exhaustion and who don&#8217;t ask for help even when they know they could really use it. They feel like they have to show strength; that they can&#8217;t afford to be weak because the person they are taking care if is the one who really needs help. If you&#8217;re one of these people, I urge you to rethink your &#8220;I don&#8217;t need help&#8221; policy. You&#8217;re wonderful and the work you do is honorable, but if you don&#8217;t ask for help when you need it, you&#8217;ll work yourself into burnout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I empathize with people who want to be independent, but most importantly, who are afraid of appearing vulnerable or weak. There is always a nagging fear that once someone knows your weaknesses, they&#8217;ll use them against you, hold them over you, treat you differently, judge you, mock you, or reject you. This is why a lot of people are still inhibited by the stigma of asking for help for mental health issues. This in and of itself is a matter that is very close to my heart. The irony is that admitting weakness takes a great deal of strength. Putting aside our gargantuan pride and saying, &#8220;I need your advice, I feel helpless&#8221; requires a lot of courage. So whether you need help moving into a new house or dealing with depression, speak up. There is always going to be someone out there who will want to help and one day, you&#8217;ll likely be able to return the favor.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"507\" src=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/ask_for_help.jpg\" alt=\"ask_for_help\" class=\"wp-image-5447\" style=\"width:418px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/ask_for_help.jpg 800w, https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/ask_for_help-300x190.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/ask_for_help-768x487.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>Insightfully yours,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Queen D<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Asking for help feels awkward and weird. Sure, you&#8217;re relieved when they say yes\u2014but now you kinda want to avoid them forever. Why do we do that? Here are 5 reasons.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6655,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5446","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-health"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard, Even When You Need It<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Admitting &quot;I&#039;m struggling&quot; feels harder than assembling IKEA furniture blindfolded (or even without the blindfold). Here are 5 reasons why.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=5446\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard, Even When You Need It\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Admitting &quot;I&#039;m struggling&quot; feels harder than assembling IKEA furniture blindfolded (or even without the blindfold). 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