{"id":5924,"date":"2019-06-20T09:29:37","date_gmt":"2019-06-20T13:29:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=5924"},"modified":"2019-06-20T09:29:37","modified_gmt":"2019-06-20T13:29:37","slug":"fathering-and-tough-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=5924","title":{"rendered":"Fathering: It&#8217;s not tough love, it&#8217;s tough AND loving"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Sitcoms are not the ideal source of fatherly examples, but if you search for a list of the <em>best<\/em> TV dads, you\u2019ll see a bunch of often goofy fathers who seem to screw up just as much as their kids. What you\u2019ll also see, however, is that these dads (well, some of them at least) have managed to juggle two key parenting factors: Laying down the rules and setting healthy boundaries, balanced out with love, warmth, responsiveness, and wisdom (often resulting from their own crazy mistakes). Take Phil Dunphy from <em>Modern Family<\/em>, as an example. He\u2019s my favorite TV dad of all time:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>\u201cI\u2019ve always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, I\u2019ve succeeded as a dad.\u201d<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>\u201cMy kids are helpless, but maybe that\u2019s okay, because years from now, when they have their own houses, they\u2019ll call me on their hologram phones and say \u2018help me Dad, you\u2019re my only hope\u2019, and I\u2019ll be the happiest father in sector 7.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And according to research we conducted at Queendom, this perfect balance of firmness and responsiveness is what good dads tend to have in common\u2026and <em>good<\/em> dads often have <em>great<\/em> kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Analyzing data from 513 fathers who took the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/tests\/access_page\/index.htm?idRegTest=2857\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Parenting Style Test<\/a>, we compared two distinct groups: Fathers with well-behaved children and fathers with ill-behaved kids. Here\u2019s how these dads differed:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>They\u2019re loving, caring, dependable, and open-minded<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>95% of dads with well-behaved kids offer unconditional love to their children (compared to 42% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>75% of dads with well-behaved kids believe that children should get plenty of love and attention (compared to 39% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>95% of dads with well-behaved kids make themselves available when their children need help (compared to 45% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>93% of dads with well-behaved kids encourage open communication in their households (compared to 39% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>91% of dads with well-behaved kids nurture their child&#8217;s individuality and independence (compared to 48% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>79% of dads with well-behaved kids said that they trust their children to make the right choices in life (compared to 42% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>They have a clear set of rules\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>95% of dads with well-behaved kids establish boundaries but also grant reasonable amounts of freedom (compared to 61% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>95% of dads with well-behaved kids believe that children need discipline (compared to 68% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>On the flip side&#8230;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>55% of dads with ill-behaved kids expect their children to adopt their parent\u2019s values and opinions without questioning them (compared to 20% of dads with well-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>19% of dads with ill-behaved kids would rather give in to their kid\u2019s demands and wishes than risk having their kids hate them (compared to 10% of dads with well-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"976\" height=\"654\" src=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/2_dads.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-6617\" style=\"width:601px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/2_dads.jpg 976w, https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/2_dads-300x201.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/2_dads-768x515.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 976px) 100vw, 976px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>They believe in team parenting\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>83% of dads with well-behaved kids believe that it&#8217;s important for parents to be on the same page when it comes to how they will raise their children (compared to 45% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>75% of dads with well-behaved kids discuss appropriate reprimands (e.g. grounding, taking away privileges) with their partner before administering them (compared to 29% of dads with ill-behaved kids).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>They believe in good parenting, not <em>perfect<\/em> parenting\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Only 38% of dads with well-behaved kids would strictly monitor and control what their kids watch on TV, and how much TV they watch.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>54% of dads with well-behaved kids said that they would be involved in every single one of their child\u2019s activities.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>23% of dads with well-behaved kids believe that babies should only be given organic food.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>27% of dads with well-behaved kids believe that children should be sheltered (from injustice, bad behavior of others, etc.).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Food for thought&#8230;\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Among the sample of dads with well-behaved kids:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>93% had an authoritative parenting style.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>4% had a permissive style (no rules, lots of freedom and love).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>3% had an authoritarian style (lots of rules; little love and warmth).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Among the sample of dads with mischievous kids:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>39% had an authoritarian style (lots of rules; little love and warmth).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>32% had an authoritative parenting style.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>19% had a negligent style (completely uninvolved in their child&#8217;s life; no rules or love).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>10% had a permissive style (no rules, lots of freedom and love).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>For many, many decades, it was believed that tough love was the ideal child-rearing approach. Fathers decided the rules, disciplined their children, and pushed the &#8220;as long as you\u2019re under my roof&#8221; mentality. The problem is that tough love was ill-defined. It isn\u2019t about being hard on your kid because you think it will make them more resilient and wiser. Tough love is about setting healthy boundaries and teaching life lessons, but also being supportive and being there when needed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Authoritative dads don\u2019t let kids off the hook when they mess up. They sit their kids down, make it clear why their behavior is wrong, ensure there are corrective actions, and then teach their child the right thing to do. It\u2019s the &#8220;Kid, I love you, but until your grades improve, no video games&#8221; or the &#8220;Kid, you screwed up. Face the music and take responsibility for your mistakes. I will be there to support you, but I\u2019m not covering for you&#8221; approach. These are dads who know how to perfectly meld firmness with responsiveness, and toughness with lovingness. And what happens is that their children grow up to be respectful of authority &#8211; neither rebels <em>nor<\/em> fearfully obedient. They grow up to be independent, well-adjusted, resilient, and ready to face the world without carrying a chip on the shoulders. Great dads, <em>authoritative<\/em> dads, make even greater kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Insightfully yours,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Queen D<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being a tough dad won&#8217;t make your kids better or more obedient. Yes, set limits. Yes, have rules. But they should come with hugs, high fives, and discipline that feels safe, not scary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6618,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5924","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Fathering: It&#039;s not tough love, it&#039;s tough AND loving<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Being a good dad\u2014the kind of dad that kids look up to\u2014is more than just setting and enforcing rules. 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