{"id":7285,"date":"2026-02-16T09:54:40","date_gmt":"2026-02-16T14:54:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285"},"modified":"2026-02-16T09:54:41","modified_gmt":"2026-02-16T14:54:41","slug":"pulling-away-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285","title":{"rendered":"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don&#8217;t Want To"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Hallmark movies always make me roll my eyes. Honestly, when has love ever been that way? So easy, so cutesy, so <em>blech<\/em>. Maybe it\u2019s like that at the beginning of a relationship, when you\u2019re both on your best behavior. Or when you\u2019ve been together for a really long time and have learned each other\u2019s quirks\u2014and how to pick your battles. But the in-between? That\u2019s not always Hallmark-y. It\u2019s more Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor-y. The middle part of the relationship is where the real work begins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s another relationship issue that\u2019s not covered much in Hallmark movies: pulling away. You\u2019re in a happy relationship, you really like this person, and all of a sudden, you start doing \u201cstupid\u201d things. Testing their loyalty. Picking fights. Looking for faults. Even finding a reason to leave. Why? Why do we try to sabotage a relationship we really want? Why do we pull away emotionally and\/or physically when all we want to do is get closer?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Your Brain Knows<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s the cold, weirdly comforting science version:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Pulling away isn\u2019t always about lack of interest. A big reason people do it is <strong>avoidance\u2014<\/strong>a survival instinct from way back in our history, when humans weren\u2019t good at feelings yet because <em>physical<\/em> survival mattered more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In psychology, one of the biggest explanations is attachment styles, which are patterns of relating to others that start in childhood and follow us right into dating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Attachment Style 101: The Avoidant Pattern<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Some of us develop what\u2019s called an \u201cavoidant attachment style.\u201d Basically, a coping mechanism. It\u2019s not that you don\u2019t love your partner, it\u2019s that closeness<em> triggers discomfort.<\/em> This happens when children are raised with emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate, and cold parents\u2014or parents who made love conditional. As a result, they only showed some form of affection or offered praise when their child did well in school, made a touchdown in a football game, or behaved absolutely perfectly). So what happens to these emotionally abandoned children when they become adults? Well, when someone <em>finally<\/em> shows them love and affection, they don\u2019t know what to do with it. It\u2019s unfamiliar, uncomfortable, awkward, weird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>What avoidance can look like in dating:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Changing the subject or becoming quiet (or agitated) when talks get emotional<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Suddenly being really busy when plans are made about your future (e.g., overtime at work, making more plans with friends instead of your partner<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Preferring surface-level flirting and affection, not deep feelings<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Ghosting someone without closure, even when things were going well<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>This isn\u2019t just commitment phobia. It\u2019s a combination of:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Being more comfortable with independence<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Difficulty with vulnerability<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>A subconscious fear that closeness means a loss of identity or freedom<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>And a brain wired to protect itself (i.e., closeness requires vulnerability, and vulnerability makes you vulnerable)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What If It&#8217;s <em>Not<\/em> Just Attachment?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s a difference between someone avoiding closeness because of fear versus someone who just isn\u2019t into you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to relationship psychology, avoidant types often orbit back and forth\u2014close, then distant, then close again\u2014in a pattern. Whereas disinterest tends to be consistently distant from the start.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Moreover, avoidance isn\u2019t only about childhood patterns. Sometimes people pull away because:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>They\u2019re overwhelmed by the intensity of the relationship\u2014too much, too fast<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>They\u2019re afraid of being hurt<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Their self-esteem isn\u2019t great and they can\u2019t fathom the possibility of being loved as they are<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>They\u2019re used to being alone or simply prefer it that way<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>They\u2019re not in the right place mentally, emotionally, or personally to be in a relationship<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Stop Pulling Away Like Cheese Strings<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>If you find yourself pulling away even when you <em>want to stay<\/em>, consider these three truths:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>#1: You\u2019re not broken. <\/strong>You probably just learned a coping skill that helped you survive. It\u2019s not personal; it\u2019s protective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>#2: It\u2019s doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s the end. <\/strong>It means your brain needs regulation, not panic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>#3:<\/strong> <strong>It\u2019s not a matter of trying harder.<\/strong> It\u2019s a matter of understanding why you freak out around closeness, and then retraining those old patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These are all issues that a few sessions with a therapist can help you resolve. Remember, therapy isn\u2019t just for people struggling with mental health issues. If you\u2019re unhappy, stressed, unmotivated, or just going through the motions, therapy can help you break free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Pulling away doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re heartless. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re incapable of love. And it definitely doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re doomed to sabotage every decent relationship that crosses your path. Sometimes it just means your nervous system is trying to over-power your desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can want closeness and fear it at the same time. You can love someone and still flinch when it gets real. That\u2019s how you\u2019re currently wired, and the good news is that wiring can be, well, <em>rewired<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Awareness is the first step. Notice when you start picking fights, creating distance, or convincing yourself your partner is \u201cnot that great anyway.\u201d Ask yourself, \u201cWhat is motivating this? Am I really not interested, or am I looking for an escape because I\u2019m scared?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The middle of a relationship\u2014the non-Hallmark, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor-y part\u2014is messy because it asks you to show up without armor. Just you, in all your perfect and imperfect glory. And that\u2019s scary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But if you can stay, even when your instinct says run, that\u2019s where real intimacy starts. Not the cutesy montage of you walking in the park hand-in-hand. The quiet, steady decision to not let fear make your choices for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Insightfully yours,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Queen D<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you pull away when relationships get close, you\u2019re not alone. Learn why avoidance happens and how to stop repeating the pattern.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7286,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don&#039;t Want To<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Why do we pull away when we like someone? Learn the psychology of relationships and why your brain sometimes sabotages love.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don&#039;t Want To\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Why do we pull away when we like someone? Learn the psychology of relationships and why your brain sometimes sabotages love.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Queendom blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-02-16T14:54:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-02-16T14:54:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"730\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"485\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"queendomblog\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"queendomblog\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285\",\"name\":\"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don't Want To\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-02-16T14:54:40+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-02-16T14:54:41+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96639818e5e5dc21586c48582a0bed9e\"},\"description\":\"Why do we pull away when we like someone? Learn the psychology of relationships and why your brain sometimes sabotages love.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg\",\"width\":730,\"height\":485},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don&#8217;t Want To\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"Queendom blog\",\"description\":\"Insight at your fingertips - www.queendom.com\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96639818e5e5dc21586c48582a0bed9e\",\"name\":\"queendomblog\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?author=1\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don't Want To","description":"Why do we pull away when we like someone? Learn the psychology of relationships and why your brain sometimes sabotages love.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don't Want To","og_description":"Why do we pull away when we like someone? Learn the psychology of relationships and why your brain sometimes sabotages love.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285","og_site_name":"Queendom blog","article_published_time":"2026-02-16T14:54:40+00:00","article_modified_time":"2026-02-16T14:54:41+00:00","og_image":[{"width":730,"height":485,"url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"queendomblog","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"queendomblog","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285","url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285","name":"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don't Want To","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg","datePublished":"2026-02-16T14:54:40+00:00","dateModified":"2026-02-16T14:54:41+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96639818e5e5dc21586c48582a0bed9e"},"description":"Why do we pull away when we like someone? Learn the psychology of relationships and why your brain sometimes sabotages love.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg","width":730,"height":485},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7285#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Why We Pull Away, Even When We Don&#8217;t Want To"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/","name":"Queendom blog","description":"Insight at your fingertips - www.queendom.com","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96639818e5e5dc21586c48582a0bed9e","name":"queendomblog","sameAs":["https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog"],"url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?author=1"}]}},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/walking_away_from_relationships.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7285"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7285\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7287,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7285\/revisions\/7287"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/7286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}