{"id":7342,"date":"2026-04-10T11:47:39","date_gmt":"2026-04-10T15:47:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7342"},"modified":"2026-04-10T11:47:39","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T15:47:39","slug":"wanting-approval-from-haters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7342","title":{"rendered":"Why You Want Approval From People Who Hate You"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>If \u201chaters gotta hate,\u201d why are we sometimes so desperate to make them like us? Because we want to know <em>why<\/em>. Even the most confident, Zen-like people will wonder, \u201cWhat have I done to make this person dislike me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let me put it to you this way: If you were in a room with 100 people and were told that 99 of them absolutely love you, would you be thinking:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cAw, how sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhy does the 100<sup>th<\/sup> person hate me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So when someone doesn\u2019t like us, what do we do? We try harder. We make sure to be extra nice to them\u2014bend over backwards to accommodate them. And when that doesn\u2019t melt their cold heart, this makes us want their approval <em>even more<\/em>. Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The short answer: it\u2019s not about them. It\u2019s about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What you really want is <em>what their approval<\/em> <em>represents<\/em>. When someone who didn\u2019t like you at first warms up to you, it feels like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Validation<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Proof you\u2019re likeable<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Confirmation you\u2019re \u201cgood enough\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>A victory over a challenge<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>And your brain loves that. Psychologically, this ties into our need for <strong>self-worth <\/strong>and <strong>validation<\/strong>\u2014we\u2019re wired to seek positive feedback and avoid negative feelings. So when someone disapproves of you, it feels like a problem that needs fixing. Let\u2019s dig into this a bit more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Your Brain Hates Rejection\u2014Even Mild or Imaginary Rejection<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Most of us don\u2019t take rejection well\u2014even when it\u2019s coming from someone whose opinion shouldn\u2019t even matter. This is because our brains treat social rejection as a threat. For early humans, being ostracized meant certain death. Who\u2019s going to watch your back while you hunt for a woolly mammoth? Who\u2019s going to get food and water after you get sick from eating woolly mammoth leftovers? Who\u2019s going to guard the opening of the hut while you sleep?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So the reason why you seek someone\u2019s approval is a quirky evolutionary feature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>You Want to \u201cWin\u201d Them Over<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s also a competitive element going on. If someone already likes you, it\u2019s great; it feels comfortable\u2014even a little boring. But someone who doesn\u2019t? That\u2019s a challenge. It\u2019s the reason why we like the thrill of the chase. Our brains reframe the situation as:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>\u201cLet\u2019s see if I can change their mind.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now it\u2019s not about the relationship; it\u2019s about <em>winning.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>You\u2019re Trying to Solve a Problem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s another fun thing your brain does: It makes up reasons for things that happen that you don\u2019t understand or can\u2019t control. Your brain loves puzzles. So when you don\u2019t know why a person doesn\u2019t like you, your brain starts problem-solving:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><em>Maybe I came off as weird or desperate.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><em>Maybe I wasn\u2019t interesting enough.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><em>Maybe they think I\u2019m ugly.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><em>Maybe I said something wrong.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>None of this is verified, of course, but it <em>feels<\/em> real. This is where cognitive bias creeps in\u2014your brain uses mental shortcuts to explain situations, even if those explanations are inaccurate. And once your brain picks a story, it sticks to it like it\u2019s a fact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Their Disapproval Triggered Your Own Lack of Self-worth<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>This is the big one. If your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/tests\/access_page\/index.htm?idRegTest=3105\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">self-esteem<\/a> is shaky, you\u2019ll look for and pay more attention to \u201cproof\u201d that your views of yourself are true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However\u2014if you can <em>gain <\/em>their approval, it will make you feel better about yourself. But that relief doesn\u2019t last. If your self-worth depends on other people liking you, your brain will always find someone else to impress. It\u2019s like trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>You Might Be Reinforcing the Problem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Ironically, the more you try to gain someone\u2019s approval, the less natural you become. You start overthinking what you say, changing your personality to what you think they like, and just trying too hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People can feel that. This can actually make things worse, because desperation can be a turn-off. So the harder you try, the less responsive they become\u2014which makes you try even more. This, in a nutshell, is the Anxious-Preoccupied <a href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/tests\/access_page\/index.htm?idRegTest=4209\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">attachment style<\/a>, where a person, sensing that their partner is pulling away (because they\u2019re tired of the clinginess) makes them cling even more. This creates an uncomfortable and vicious circle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Shift from Wanting to Be Liked to Not Needing to Be Liked<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead of asking, <em>\u201cHow do I get them to like me?\u201d<\/em> try asking:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDo I even like this person?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Do you respect them?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Do they treat people well?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Do you enjoy being around them?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Is their opinion actually valuable?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>I would also suggest asking yourself a few deeper questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhy do I want this person to like me? What\u2019s at the root of it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>How does not being liked by this person make you feel? Name the emotions.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Next, create a list of beliefs that may be motivating these feelings.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, some people who have a strong need to be liked may believe they\u2019re not good enough, or that people will only respect them if they are smarter, taller, thinner, more good-looking, more successful, or wealthier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can see some examples of self-limiting beliefs <a href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=1323\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">here<\/a> and self-sabotaging beliefs <a href=\"https:\/\/www.queendom.com\/blog\/?p=7335\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">here<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now, speaking of getting to the root of things, I need to pause and make a crucial\u2014but slightly uncomfortable\u2014point:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s also important to recognize when the reason someone doesn\u2019t like you is related to <em>your<\/em> behavior. I am not talking about personality here\u2014I am talking about actions. Why? Because we are what we do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Someone who has an aloof demeanor can still be a kind person, just like someone who is friendly and charismatic can also act unscrupulously. It\u2019s a person\u2019s actions that matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So take some time to think about your actions and how they may be affecting the manner in which others treat you. For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Do you constantly put yourself down in front of people? They may be treating you the same way you treat yourself.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Do you bring up your accomplishments in every conversation? You may see it as confidence; others may see it as irritating arrogance.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Do you pretend not to care and ghost people to get them to chase you? They may respond by calling your bluff and walking away.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Self-awareness matters\u2014and decades of research into human behavior and personality have shown me that most people lack it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The better you know yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize self-limiting and self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>Wanting to be liked is human. Trying to win over someone who clearly doesn\u2019t like you is also human. The key is recognizing what\u2019s actually happening: It\u2019s not about them. It\u2019s about what their approval means to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And once you see that clearly, you can make a different choice\u2014preferably, to stop giving a damn about people who don\u2019t give a damn about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Insightfully yours,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Queen D<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why are you trying so hard to impress people who don\u2019t even like you? Here\u2019s what\u2019s really going on\u2014and how to stop.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7343,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7342","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why You Want Approval From People Who Hate You<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If someone doesn\u2019t like you, why do you suddenly care so much? 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