I was recently reminded of a friend who had a very long, very detailed list of what his ideal partner should look like and how she should behave\u2014right down to her actual measurements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know if he ever found her, but whoever she is, I genuinely hope she is happy. Being with someone whose standards are that rigid must be so damn exhausting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m also reminded of another friend who turned down so many wonderful potential partners for the tiniest of reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t like his nose.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI hate the way he eats.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe uses too much gel in his hair.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, to be clear, there\u2019s nothing wrong with having standards. In fact, you should have at least a few cast-iron ones, like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Standards are healthy when they protect your well-being, values, and emotional safety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes, though, what we call \u201cstandards\u201d are not really standards. Sometimes they are fail-safes designed to protect us from rejection or the need to be emotionally vulnerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a lot easier to say, \u201cI didn\u2019t like my date\u2019s personality\u201d than, \u201cI was terrified I would be rejected by someone I secretly believe is out of my league, because deep down, my self-esteem is being held together with tape.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So how do you know when your standards are actually emotional armor?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s what to look out for:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is picky, and then there is \u201cI have imagined a romantic partner with the same level of detail NASA uses to build rockets.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You want someone attractive but not arrogant about it. Emotionally mature but willing to tolerate your tantrums. Financially stable but willing to splurge (preferably on you). Ambitious but not work-obsessed. Affectionate but not clingy. Spontaneous but still reliable. Funny but not the class clown. Independent but deeply invested in you. Adventurous but also homey. Communicative but not too talkative. Progressive-minded, but still willing to accept traditional gender roles. And somehow, this person must never be annoying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is it possible to find someone like this? Maybe. Is it likely? Not really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s really important to know what you want in a partner. You should know your deal-breakers. But if your standards leave absolutely no room for normal human imperfections, then they are not standards. They\u2019re a way to protect you from having your own imperfections scrutinized.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes, you just don\u2019t hit it off on the first date. The conversation lags, they complain about exes, or they bring friends on the date\u2014or their mom. Fair enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Other times, you lose interest the moment they show genuine interest in you. But that\u2019s not a chemistry issue. It\u2019s a vulnerability one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you are used to unavailable, selfish, or emotionally immature people, someone genuinely nice can feel suspicious. If you think you\u2019re unattractive and don\u2019t bring much to the table, you\u2019ll find excuses not to like them because you\u2019re so afraid they won\u2019t like you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So you reject them first. Not because they did something wrong, but because rejecting them gives you control (check out \u201cWhy You Push Away the Ones You Love Most\u201d<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n You cannot be rejected if you leave first. So \u201cI just have high standards\u201d becomes your exit strategy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Independence is healthy. It\u2019s good to have your own identity, goals, interests, and opinions. And it\u2019s really good that you can function without needing another person to hold you together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people enjoy their independence so much that they swear off dating. They are perfectly content being single and thrive on the freedom of being able to do what they want, when they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The type of independence I find problematic, however, is when people say \u201cI don\u2019t need anyone,\u201d when they actually mean \u201cI learned not to need anyone because depending on people has never worked out for me.\u201d Maybe depending on others led to disappointment, criticism, rejection, or nonstop drama.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem is that the same independence that protects you can also isolate you. And there are times when having someone in your life, even if it\u2019s just to vent, is good for your mental health.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember, you can be independent and still receive love and care. You can be strong and still need comfort. You can be capable and still need someone to show up for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of my biggest pet peeves is people who \u201ctest\u201d their partner to \u201cprove\u201d their loyalty. Like asking a friend to flirt with your partner to see if they\u2019ll be tempted to cheat. Pretending to break up with your partner to see if they\u2019ll fight for you. Withholding affection so your partner chases you. Or, the most sickening one I\u2019ve read: pretending to have been in an accident to see if your partner would be devastated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Trust must absolutely be earned. But if you consistently doubt someone\u2019s loyalty and they haven\u2019t given you a reason to, the issue may not be with them. Is it reasonable to want reassurance from your partner from time to time? Of course. We all need that sometimes. But is it your partner\u2019s responsibility to resolve your insecurities<\/a>? Absolutely not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If someone has repeatedly shown you love, empathy, honesty, and respect but you still feel the need to test them, the issue is your fear of trusting someone. And when you have trust issues\u2014and use them as standards for keeping or dumping someone\u2014a thousand passed loyalty tests still won\u2019t reassure you. The doubt and insecurity will still be there, unresolved and desperate for more evidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone can be imperfect and still be good for you. They can have annoying quirks, like how they load the dishwasher or eat soup. They can have rough edges, like being uncomfortable showing affection openly but still caring deeply, despite their gruff demeanor. A potential partner may be a little awkward around new people, tell boring stories, or wear weirdly colored socks. These are almost always imperfections you can learn to live with, because chances are, you have annoying quirks too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n3. You use independence as a shield.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. You expect people to constantly prove themselves.<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. You mistake \u201cnot perfect\u201d for \u201cnot right.\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n