You always hear talk show therapists saying, “Set boundaries!”

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve slowly but steadily shifted away from my old persona. I used to be the sweet, polite, diplomatic people-pleaser because that’s what I was taught to be and what I thought was the “right” thing to do. Now, while I’m still polite and tactful, I say “no” a lot more often, speak my mind when I disagree, and have even burned a few bridges with toxic people. It took years for me to reach this point—to understand how important boundaries are and to (mostly) not feel guilty about setting them.

Boundaries are like the *Expecto Patronum* spell from Harry Potter—you throw them up to protect your mental, emotional, and physical well-being, just like you’d fend off those soul-sucking dementors. (And let’s be real, those dementors are basically the super toxic people in your life.) Boundaries let people know exactly how you expect to be treated and what you’re definitely not putting up with—whether it’s family, friends, partners, or coworkers. Setting boundaries isn’t just about keeping your relationships healthy; it’s also about keeping your sanity intact.

In this blog, we’ll dive into why setting boundaries is so important, what research says about people who don’t set boundaries (spoiler: it’s not good), and share some super practical tips on how to establish boundaries with those closest to you. We’ll also cover what to do when someone crosses the line—because let’s face it, some people are just really stubborn, or just plain mean, and love to push your boundaries for their own benefit. I’ll explain how to stop them from trampling over your limits without having to resort to putting up an electric fence (although that does sound tempting, so let’s keep that idea in the “maybe” pile depending on how things go).

Why should you set boundaries?

Setting boundaries is basically the ultimate form of self-respect. It’s like saying, “Hey, I matter!” while also politely (or not-so-politely) telling others where the line is. When you set boundaries, you’re not just shielding yourself from stress, burnout, and that bubbling resentment you feel when your mother-in-law takes over your kitchen without being asked. You’re also giving others a crash course in How to Treat You 101. So, here are some solid reasons why setting boundaries is essential:

  • Boundaries protect your mental health. They help you maintain a sense of control so that you don’t end up feeling overwhelmed. Without boundaries, you might find yourself taking on too much, leading to stress, anxiety, and even depression. It’s about saying “no” when people make too many demands on your time.
  • Boundaries improve your relationships. Healthy boundaries are like the “terms and conditions” of your relationships—only this time, people actually have to read and agree to them. They make it crystal clear what’s okay and what’s a no-go, which means fewer awkward moments, misunderstandings, and passive-aggressive sighs. Plus, boundaries help build mutual respect.
  • Boundaries are good for your self-esteem. When you set boundaries, you’re basically putting up a big, shiny sign that says, “I know my worth!” It’s like you’re telling the world, “Hey, I respect myself, and you should too.” This simple act can give your self-esteem a serious boost, reminding you (and everyone else) that your needs actually matter. And here’s the thing—people respond to confidence. Once they see that you mean business, they’ll think twice before trying to mess with you. It’s like wearing invisible armor.

What does research say about people who don’t set boundaries?

Research shows that people who struggle to set boundaries often experience higher levels of stress and emotional exhaustion (no surprise here). A study published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that a lack of boundaries at work can lead to burnout and reduced job satisfaction. Similarly, research in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that poor boundaries in relationships can lead to conflicts, dissatisfaction, and even relationship breakdowns.

Without boundaries, you may find yourself feeling resentful, taken advantage of, or emotionally drained. You might agree to things you don’t want to do or tolerate behavior that makes you uncomfortable, all in an effort to avoid conflict or please others. Over time, this can lead to a loss of self-respect and the destruction of your personal well-being.

What type of boundaries should you be setting?

Family Boundaries

Time boundaries: It’s okay to say no to events that you do not want to attend. You can also communicate how much time you’re willing to spend with family, especially during holidays or family gatherings.

I’m really looking forward to spending time with everyone, but I want to let you know that I’ll only be able to stay for a few hours. I need to make sure I have some downtime as well, so I’ll plan to leave around [specific time]. I hope that works for everyone, and I’m excited to see you all!


Emotional boundaries: Set limits on what topics of conversation you’re comfortable discussing. For example, you might set a boundary around not discussing certain personal issues.

I know you’re asking because you care, but I’m not comfortable discussing [specific topic, e.g., my relationship, my job search, my health] right now. I’d prefer to focus on other things when we’re together. I hope you can respect that, and we can talk about something else.


Space boundaries: Establish clear rules about your personal space, especially if you live with family or they frequently visit.

I really value my personal space, so I’d appreciate it if we could set some guidelines. If my door is closed, I’d prefer not to be disturbed unless it’s urgent.


What should you do if a family member crosses a boundary?

Address it directly. Calmly and clearly state that your boundary has been crossed and explain why it’s important to you.

I’ve asked that we not discuss my personal life in detail. It makes me uncomfortable.

Partner Boundaries

Communication boundaries: Set expectations for how you communicate, especially during arguments. For example, you can (and should) agree to avoid yelling at or insulting each other.

Can we agree to avoid shouting or insults when we argue? I know you’ll agree that keeping our tone calm and focusing on the issue rather than attacking each other will help us resolve things more effectively. If things get too heated, we can take a break and come back to the conversation when we’re both feeling calmer.


Personal space boundaries: Even in close relationships, personal space is important. Establish when you need alone time or personal space to recharge.

I really value our time together, but I also need some alone time to recharge. When I say I need some personal space, it’s not about you—it’s just something I need to feel my best.


Financial boundaries: Discuss and agree on how finances should be handled, including spending limits and saving goals.

I think it would be really helpful for us to sit down and discuss how we want to handle our finances. Let’s talk about our spending limits, how much to save, and how we can manage our money together in a way that works for both of us. This way, we’re both on the same page and can avoid any financial arguments down the road.


What should you do if your partner crosses a boundary?

Have an open conversation. Express how you feel and why the boundary matters to you. Use “I” statements.

I feel disrespected when you ignore my need for personal space.

Friend Boundaries

Time boundaries: Let friends know how much time you can realistically spend together, especially if you need time to yourself or have other commitments. You can use the same statement that you would use with family.


Emotional boundaries: If a friend frequently vents to you or expects you to be their therapist, it’s absolutely okay to set limits to protect your own emotional well-being.

I care about you and I’m here for you, but I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately and need to take care of my own emotional well-being too. I’m happy to listen, but I might not always be able to provide the support you need. It’s important to me that we both feel supported and not drained.


Expectation boundaries: Be upfront about what you expect from your friendships—whether it’s respect for your time or making sure the effort is a two-way street. You shouldn’t always be the one dialing the phone or hosting game night.

I think it’s important that we both feel respected and supported. For me, that means respecting each other’s time and making sure our relationship is balanced. I’m always here to listen and help, and it means a lot when that’s reciprocated.

What should you do if a friend crosses a boundary?

Offer a gentle reminder. Bring up the boundary and explain why it’s important.

I value our friendship, but I need to set limits on how much time I can spend talking about this issue.

Work Boundaries

Work hours: Set clear boundaries around your work hours, especially if you’re frequently guilt-tripped into working overtime. Let colleagues know when you’re available and when you’re off the clock.

I’ve realized that I need to set some boundaries around my work hours to maintain a healthy work-life balance. From now on, I’m committing to working from [start time] to [end time] each day. Outside of those hours, I’ll be focusing on personal time and won’t be available for work-related tasks unless it’s an emergency. I’m doing this to ensure that I can be at my best during work hours without burning out.


Task boundaries: If you’re being asked to take on too much, it’s okay to say no or ask for help.

I appreciate that you trust me with these tasks, but I’m managing a really full workload with [briefly mention key tasks]. To ensure everything is done well, could we discuss which tasks should be prioritized? Alternatively, if this is all urgent, I might need some help or more time to get everything completed effectively. Let me know what you think would work best.


Behavioral boundaries: Set limits on how you expect to be treated by colleagues, whether it’s respect in meetings or fairness in task assignments.

I’d like to set some clear expectations around how we communicate and distribute tasks. For example, I appreciate direct communication that’s constructive, even when discussing mistakes. I also think it’s important that tasks are assigned fairly based on everyone’s strengths and current workload. This will help ensure that our team remains collaborative and productive.


What should you do if someone keeps ignoring your boundaries?

No matter how crystal clear and well-communicated your boundaries are, some people just won’t get the memo—even if it’s the size of a billboard. And let’s be real, some will ignore it on purpose, just to see what they can get away with. But don’t worry, here’s how to handle them:

Reiterate your boundaries clearly—again. Politely but firmly restate your boundary, explaining why it’s important to you. For example, “I’ve mentioned before that I need personal time after work hours. I want to remind you that I’m not available during that time unless it’s an emergency.”

Set and communicate consequences. If someone keeps steamrolling your boundaries despite your best efforts to communicate them, it’s time to roll out the consequences. Let them know exactly what will happen if they keep crossing the line. For example, “If this boundary isn’t respected, I will [insert consequence].” It could be something like filing a complaint, getting HR involved, or saying no to future invites until they get the message. Basically, it’s the grown-up version of, “If you don’t stop, I’m turning this car around!”

Limit interaction or take a step back. If your boundaries keep being ignored, limit your interactions with the person. This could mean spending less time with them, going no contact, or even taking a break from the relationship if necessary.

Seek support. Sometimes, it helps to bring in some backup. Talk to someone you trust, like a friend, family member, therapist, manager, or HR about the situation. A fresh pair of eyes can offer guidance, support, and maybe even some genius strategies you hadn’t thought of. Plus, it’s always good to have someone in your corner, especially when boundary-pushers think they’re unstoppable!

Stay consistent. Consistency is key when it comes to enforcing boundaries. If you’re firm and consistent about your boundaries, the other person is more likely to take them seriously over time. It’s important to stick to your boundaries even if the person tests them. Don’t waver and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty.

Know when to walk away. If someone keeps trampling over your boundaries despite all your best efforts, it might be time for a tough reality check: is this relationship healthy? Sometimes, letting go of toxic relationships is exactly what your mental and emotional health need. Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls and shutting people out—it’s about creating a safe and respectful space where you can thrive. Remember, you have every right to set boundaries. You’re not being “difficult”—you’re protecting your peace.

Insightfully yours,

Queen D