Are you the type of person who:

  • Regularly buys gifts for people without expecting anything in return?
  • Throws dinner parties for every friend’s birthday?
  • Pays everyone’s bill at a fancy restaurant when it’s your birthday?

My friend does all three. If you try to pay her back for her kindness, she will get really, really angry. “If I didn’t want to do it,” she’ll say, “I wouldn’t have done it.”

I’m a giving person myself, but I have my limits. If I didn’t know my friend as well as I do, I would assume she’s trying incredibly hard to gain approval and to be liked. She isn’t like that though. She’s not just a giver. She’s also an effective leader in her company, confident, and very assertive when people mistreat her. She will raise hell if you do something that she considers unfair. Essentially, like other people with a giving nature, my friend is more than just a cheerful altruist. “Givers” have a much more well-rounded personality that extends beyond generosity, jolliness, and kindness. According to a study we conducted at Queendom, people with a giving nature possess a number of traits that non-givers tend to lack.

In our study, we contrasted the personality of 1,582 Givers and 1,543 Non-Givers who took Queendom’s Big Five Personality Test. What we discovered was that Givers out-scored their counterparts on more than a dozen personality traits, including the following: (Note: Scores range on a scale from 0 to 100. The higher the score, the stronger the trait)


  • Score for Givers: 73
  • Score for Non-Givers: 53


  • Score for Givers: 72
  • Score for Non-Givers: 57


  • Score for Givers: 84
  • Score for Non-Givers: 67



  • Score for Givers: 71
  • Score for Non-Givers: 57


  • Score for Givers: 63
  • Score for Non-Givers: 51

Anger Management

  • Score for Givers: 67
  • Score for Non-Givers: 53

Willingness to Compromise

  • Score for Givers: 62
  • Score for Non-Givers: 52


  • Score for Givers: 70
  • Score for Non-Givers: 57


  • Score for Givers: 65
  • Score for Non-Givers: 54


Evidently, some givers come from a place of insecurity. They might be over-compensating for a perceived lack of love, popularity, and belonging. They are giving to gain affection or favors. However, for the most part, in order to give wholeheartedly – without attachment to the outcome and without expectations of payback – you need to have your *bleep* together. Truly altruistic people have a very multifaceted personality; it isn’t just their kindheartedness that defines them. They function on what I like to call a “full tank”; they are full of self-love, self-respect, and confidence. From that space they can give fully to others.

Basically, you need to have achieved a state of emotional maturity, security, and empathy in order to step into someone else’s shoes and find a gift that will resonate with them. And I’m not necessarily talking about material gifts. It could be giving acts of service, affection, or quality time together. So if you are strong enough to the point where you can rely on yourself to fulfill your needs, you have enough energy to love and to give. On the other hand, if you’re running on an empty tank, you’re in a mind-frame of lack. This is what leads people to be self-involved, selfish, and “scroogey”.

So for this holiday season, give to those who embody kindness, or who simply need to be reminded of how special they are. If someone has treated you poorly this year, don’t reward their behavior by giving them something nice because you feel a sense of obligation to do so…it will only leave you feeling resentful. True givers aren’t mindless do-gooders: They give to those whose lives they believe they can improve.


Wishing you the happiest of holidays,

Queen D