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July 27, 2014 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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Happily married...but cheating
Question:

I am 41 years old and have a 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I was raised in a normal environment in a fairly small town. My parents have been married for 42 years, but have had affairs periodically. There were many times that I would never see my father because he would be gone in the morning (or still asleep) when I would go to school and then he wouldn't come home until after we (my sisters) were in bed. He had stayed out drinking. I am the oldest of three girls. I have been happily married to my third husband for 5 years. I am still friends with my first two husbands. I am a successful career women and tend to be aggressive. As long as I can remember I've had a very sarcastic attitude towards men in general. My husband says I have a hatred for men. I am bisexual but don't act on it, unless my husband is involved too. My husband does not have a problem with it at all.

I met a man 3 years ago who turned my happily married world upside down. In these past 3 years, his wife and I have become best friends. We all go out together every weekend and have a great time. Obviously his wife and my husband do not know the he and I have our own relationship going on the side. Actually, I've not been with him sexually for 2 years, mainly because I felt guilty being his wife's best friend. In the past 3 weeks he and I have been having cyber sex daily and it's just a matter of time before we are going to be "together" again. The sex with my husband is far more satisfying than the sex with my lover. I love my husband dearly and know that my lover is not worth risking my marriage and her friendship for, so WHY do I do these things?

Tiffany (41 year-old woman)

Answer:

Dear Tiffany,

There is way too much hidden stuff in your life. This creates undercurrents that undermine what you've got. Nip this before it destroys things you hold dear and don't want destroyed. Hopefully, it's not too late.

I think it's not that much of a mystery about what drives your behavior. My guess is it's the unresolved feelings about your distant father, and a child-like revenge against men for how much he hurt your mother or you and your sisters. Or some sort of psychobabble like that. This is stuff you need to work out in therapy to the point of inner resolution. Yes, you. This is baggage of the highest order. Or let me rephrase that: you're exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior to your husband and to your best friend, and putting yourself and your relationships in jeopardy. What you're doing is very hurtful, and harmful to everyone close to you, and ultimately to you. Your infidelity and lies undermine the root trust that keeps a relationship intact and intimate. Your inner baggage is keeping you intimacy-impaired.

You need to come clean, and get help. I would begin by stopping sexual stuff with that other man--immediately--and then confessing to your husband that you have a problem. If you're lucky, your husband will stand by you and support you in your healing.

Especially because you can't understand the irrationality of your own infidelity, you need help in unraveling yourself from the inner threads of your own history that keep binding you into acting-out. I say you're carrying lots of unresolved stuff, so get help to get to it.

If you keep on as you've been doing, without getting professional help, I see you headed for lots of pain and husband number four.

Sincerely,

Andy Bernay-Roman

This question was answered by Andy Bernay-Roman, RN, MS, LMHC, NCC, LMT. He is a nationally certified counselor in private psychotherapy practice in South Florida working with individuals, couples, and families with a deep-feeling therapy approach. Andy's medical background as an ICU nurse contributes to his success with clients with difficult medical diagnoses and/or chronic physical conditions. He also serves as head of the Psychological Support Department of West Palm Beach's Hippocrates Health Institute.

For more information visit the site or compact information page on QueenDom.

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