Husband has roving eye
QUESTION:
I have been married for 23 years. My husband has always had a roving eye, which has always bothered me. He doesn't just look but stares. He's always made comments to me about how cute she is or how big her butt is. Three years ago, I had really had enough. I don't know if it is just my imagination, but the problem seems to have gotten much worse. I see him constantly trying to sneak a peak here, there, and everywhere. He is usually checking out some girl's rear end and the younger the better.
He has told me that I look old at the ripe old age of 45. I have always tried to keep myself up by exercising, and dressing as nice as I could possibly afford to do. He has told me that I'm stupid, crazy and need to talk to a doctor about my head problem. He doesn't seem to have one, you see, because what he is doing is normal and acceptable to him and I'm told that all the boys act the same way. I'm not totally naive. I know perfectly well how men behave and act when it comes to the opposite sex. But he is coming into the basement to ogle the back yard neighbor in her tiny summer attire with a pair of binoculars or watching another neighbor sunning herself in her bikini, and all the time doing so right under my nose.
I am totally confused at this point and very hurt. I don't think that I'm crazy. I somehow have the sinking feeling that he is perhaps if only unconsciously at this point wanting to run around on me. I need to know if this sounds at all like a man with a guilty conscience or one who is getting ready to stray. I take my marriage vows very seriously in this regard and won't wait around to have my heart broken any more than it has already been.
ANSWER:
Women Improving Self Harmony,
The first deterrent to an adulterous relationship is character. Character is a complexity of mental and ethical traits marking an individual. Character is composed of social, ethnic, values and beliefs. I identify this as the first barrier because character will deter a man (or woman) from breaching his or her commitments. Commitments financially, physically and personally. Concerning adultery, it will also apply to his/her marital commitment. It is in these lapses that we can assess a potential for committal breakdowns. When a person begins an adulterous relationship they have a lapse in character. Upon closer examination, it is inevitable that the lapse transpires into other facets of the person's life. Without closely examining all facets of a person's character, the infraction occurs and we then fall into the inevitable "hindsight" to identify character flaws.
You indicated that you take your "vows very seriously." By stating this, it is safe to assume you have established your commitment to your values and one of the many principals that constitute your character. For a marriage to have endured 23 years, you most assuredly have build a level of confidence, compatibility and respect in your marriage. Ask yourself this: "Is my husbands character such that would justify my concerns that he may have a lapse in character, so grave to lead to an affair?" Your answer will form the basis of your personal objective.
Unfortunately media in our society does not portray women as they do men. Media portrays our beauty as decreasing and inhibited by our age. Advertising focuses on the seemingly timeless pictorials of women between the ages of 17 - 21 years of age. These timeless youth often represent women twice their age. Average women are comprised of diverse physical, ethnic, social and ageless spectrums, contrary to the images we are (both men and women) bombarded with. This leaves all of us with a distorted impression of beauty from which to build our self-confidence...and our desire.
The combination of these two issues is, in my opinion, a valid concern. Nonetheless, although exasperated by outsiders (husband and media) you have internalized them, which could possibly lead to increased insecurity. What you must do is attempt to alleviate your concerns by communicating your feelings and emphasizing your need to be heard and respected.
Women Improving Self Harmony...one woman at a time.
This question was answered by Women Improving Self Harmony who provide a motivational approach to counseling. They work individually with women who are ready to create better lives for themselves by overcoming the past, building a future and learning from lessons to maintain a healthier lifestyle. Our Professional and Personal Mission statement is to allow women to sing from within, create there own personal harmony as we create our own. Our style provides one-on-one ventilation. One -on- one ventilation is making known to another your true self. With several counselors and personal life coaches we provide a gamut of services on a variety of issues.