Different relationship goals
QUESTION:
Luvly609 (31)I met this guy about a month ago. He's very nice and we've been seeing each other. I guess out of 4 weeks I've seen him approximately 5 to 7 times. He works like crazy and is pretty much a very very busy guy. It seems that he likes me - he calls and tells me what's on his schedule, when we are out together, he holds my hand and strokes my leg. Is he showing affection? He also stated that he wasn't really looking to be married, (he had been close to the altar twice and it didn't work out). He broke off his relationship back in December and I'm the first girl he's been interested in seeing since that time. I'm actually looking for a long lasting relationship (possibly marriage). This guy is everything I'm looking for. My dilemma is that I like him, I like him a lot. I want to get closer to him but I don't know how, we've only been dating 4 weeks and as far as I can tell he wants me around.
Should I tell him that I want him to be a significant part of my life? Should I just go with the flow, and try not to come on too strong?
ANSWER:
Leya Aum,
What would an audience think watching your relationship as a play? What do we know about the male lead? You've told us:
- he's a very very busy guy
- he stated he wasn't looking to be married
- he's been close to the altar twice and it didn't work out
- he broke off his relationship back in December and has apparently been sufficiently content without a girlfriend since then
So when you ask whether you should be direct or hold back, I wonder whether you're asking how best to lasso and tame him, just like what happens in all romance novels. And I don't know that you'll be able to.
On the one hand, if this is a game, one would think you'd play it like poker and keep your cards close to your chest (not that I'd be able or willing to follow that path myself). He's got what he wants--your company and your awareness of and acceptance of his position as a man who wants to be very busy and doesn't want to marry. He's comfortable and perhaps over time will stumble into love with you.
By this logic, if you are straightforward with him, you become adversaries. You want to grow closer and he doesn't want to commit.
On the other hand, if you're not honest with him, what kind of relationship are you developing? I wonder if you're drawn to him BECAUSE he's challenge. And are you generally drawn to men who aren't ready to be with you?
I notice you are 31 years old and you call yourself a girl, "the first girl he's been interested in." Your calling yourself a girl also makes me wonder what kind of relationships you've had before, how you think of yourself and how well you think of yourself.
I don't want you to get hurt. Sex is an obvious question. Until you hear differently from him, he has told you he doesn't want to marry. Keep that in mind whatever you choose to do.
Leya Aum, MA, MFCC
This question was answered by Leya Aum. She is California licensed marriage, family, child counselor certified in clinical hypnosis. She teaches Feldenkrais Method® of Neuromuscular Relearning, is practitioner of the Bowen Technique and Jin Shin Jyutsu®. She is also human resources consultant, writer and editor.