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October 01, 2014 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Mental Health

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Mental Abuse

Question:

I have been married for a little over two years. I feel I may be in an abusive relationship. My husband is always angry. He blames me for our relationship problems. He is very critical of the things I do. He said if I was not so defensive our marriage would work out.

We went and saw a marriage counsellor and she told me when we were alone that he fit the control pie 3/4 of the way and that he is passive aggressive. I am not really sure what this means.

I sleep very little at night in another room and when I saw my doctor my blood pressure was 138/100. I feel maybe if I was different he would be different, but I am coming to really resent the person he is and I really do not like him. What should I do???? How do I know if I am with someone who is mentally abusive???? What does passive aggressive mean???

Mrs. D (38 year-old woman) from Ottawa, Ontario

Answer:

Hi "Mrs. D"!

Thank you for writing to us at QueenDom. I will answer your letter line-by-line. helps it to feel more conversational this way.

I have been married for a little over two years. I feel I made be in an abusive relationship. My husband is always angry...He blames me for our relationship problems. He is very critical of the things I do...He said if I was not so defensive our marriage would work out.

The first thought that crosses my mind when I hear these things is alcohol or drug abuse. You don't mention either in this letter, but please seriously ask yourself if there might be such problems at your house.

We went and saw a marriage counsellor and she told me when we were alone that he fit the control pie 3/4 of the way...

I don't know what the "control pie" is. but if she is simply saying that he is very controlling, that fits completely with what you are saying in this letter.

and that he is passive aggressive...I am not really sure what this means.

There's a topic at my site which talks about this: "The Most Common Problem In Relationships." It discusses both "controlling" and "passive-aggressive" people. Usually, however, one partner is controlling and the other is passive aggressive. You seem to be saying that he is both. Passive-aggressive just means that he gets his way by stalling and withdrawing and that he seldom talks about problems (or about much else). Think of it as sulking. The topic at my site can be seen here.

I sleep very little at night in another room and when I saw my doctor my blood pressure was 138/100. I feel maybe if I was different he would be different, but I am coming to really resent the person he is and I really do not like him.....What should I do????

There isn't enough information in this letter to help me see the degree to which he is controlling or passive-aggressive. But what is clear is that you are hurting and you are afraid you are letting someone else control you. I'd suggest that you see a good therapist even if he doesn't want to, not because there's something wrong with you but precisely because you feel bad, you have doubts about your relationship, and you want to feel a lot better than you do today. These are three great reasons to see a good therapist! (Contrary to some people's opinions, you don't have to be "crazy" to see a therapist!)

How do I know if I am with someone who is mentally abusive????

You are asking how you can decide something that only a therapist can decide, and the counselor you saw said that he is controlling and passive-aggressive. In the long run, his "diagnosis" doesn't matter at all! What matters are these things:

  1. Do you know that you Deserve To Be Treated Well?
  2. Are you happy with him?
  3. When there are problems, do you talk them out as equals and try to come up with practical solutions?
  4. Do you LIKE how he treats you?
  5. Are both of you willing to get help? If not, are You willing to get help?

What does passive aggressive mean???

There are probably great places on the web to find detailed answers about this diagnosis. But for now, please read the topic at my site (above), and concentrate on the five things I just listed above, OK.?

Thank you for writing!

It's good to meet you!

Tony Schirtzinger

This question was answered by Tony Schirtzinger.

For more information visit the site or compact information page on QueenDom.

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