Sexually inappropriate daughter

Hello,

Thanks for writing. I understand and appreciate your concern about your daughter.

It's interesting that you'd write to an online counselor, though, when you already have a therapist who saw your daughter and probably can give you much better insight to this than I can. Did you and your husband both become involved in your daughter's treatment - at least to the point of having regular conversations or meetings with her therapist? If you did not, that person is still the one best equipped to help you, so it's interesting that you did not go over all of this with him or her. Why - do you suppose - you did not?

Although I definitely agree with you that there is a problem indicated here, I'm not sure it's the same problem you are focusing on (potential sexual abuse).

From what you've stated, it would appear as though there are significant conflicts in your marriage, that the communication between you and your husband is very poor, and that your needs for emotional support are not being met. My guess is that your daughter's sexualized acting out relates primarily to this; she is acting out your anger (at your husband for his abandonment of you), and in that way, is keeping the family unit intact. She is, obviously, doing all of this unconsciously, with no awareness of the fact that you and your husband work together (and, ostensibly get along best) when she acts out most.

Statistically, many teenage girls who act out sexually have been sexually abused, that's true. And there may have been some isolated incident or ongoing molest which occurred during the time period you are questioning. Since there is no way to confirm any kind of trauma from that period, though, it might be helpful for you to see how your daughter's behavior might also be impacted by the current conflict in the home, and the role she feels she must play to keep everyone communicating, at least on some level. If she needs to be the Identified Patient and act out sexually to get;

1. her father's attention, and
2. a mother who will set limits with her, and
3. parents who talk to each other, then she is (unconsciously) willing to do this.

Even the name you used (gigimom) gives the impression that who you are is defined by your daughter. This, coupled with your comment of how she "would not even go to the mall without me being by her side," indicate an enmeshed relationship. You may not feel "whole" without her. If that's true, then you may have a lot of expectations and demands of her, as some part of you might be living (your life) through her. As long as she is acting out sexually (or otherwise), she can rescue you from the discontentment you feel in your life and in your marriage. As long as she is acting out, she can also evade those heavy demands you place on her.

In my opinion, there are very complicated family dynamics at work here, which your daughter's behavior obscures. Her actions have allowed everyone to focus on her as the "inappropriate daughter" you label her as, rather than on any one else's shortcomings or the family conflicts in general.

I suspect that this is the reason that you and your husband did not meet or confer with your daughter's therapist. You both sensed - albeit unconsciously - that all the other dysfunction would emerge if the mental health professional who was best equipped to help you had the chance to assess the situation fully.

You have a devoted daughter who will continue to act out and therefore, mask the rest of the family dysfunction for you. She's already proven the self-destructive lengths she'll go to do this. My hope is that - by confronting you this forcefully - you may be inspired to contact your daughter's therapist immediately and begin family or marital therapy (with her or him or with someone she or he recommends) ASAP. Please interrupt this cycle wherein you and your husband both use your daughter's disturbed behavior to hide and excuse your own.

Sincerely,

Margaret "Peg" Burr , MA, MFT