Moving past abuse

I was involved with a man who verbally abused me and constantly manipulated me, both in a variety of ways, for almost two years. I understand I am equally to blame for what happened. I allowed it to happen. This has mainly to do with my upbringing. My father is an alcoholic (now recovered many years) and when I was a child he beat every shred of self out of me - mostly with verbal abuse, but there were some physical episodes too. My reason to exist was to serve his needs. This set me up for failure after failure in later relationships, I realize.

I ended the relationship with my ex because of the abuse. He was extremely charming and even emotionally available when we met. I was attracted to his charm, humor, and intelligence. As soon as he was convinced that I loved him, all that went away. He would disappear for weeks or months and not contact me. When I would try to contact him, he would get angry. He constantly criticized me and my friends. He was very controlling. He screwed with my mind constantly, to the point where I lost all my self-esteem and didn't know which way was up. I thought I loved him, so I tried and tried to work things out. I tried to "be a better person for him" - more like he said he wanted me to be. But there was always something. I couldn't win. He later revealed that he was a narcissist, a rage-aholic, incapable of any empathy for others, a control freak, obsessive-compulsive, and bipolar. For a long time I thought, "He's not evil, he's not bad, he just needs love." What a joke! I have definitely learned my lesson about where THAT kind of thinking leads! By the end, I had tried too hard, for too long. To be fair, I suppose we were *both* sick of everything having to do with each other. Even after I left, we would email each other. He would try to tell me that in spite of the HEINOUS ways he treated me that he really did love me, and asked me why I couldn't believe that. I felt like screaming, "You moron! I can't believe it because you treat me like crap! Duh!" Finally, I told him it was better if we cut all ties with each other. I told him I knew what he was finally and didn't want anything to do with him. We haven't communicated since.

I am working on becoming more assertive, and on developing a sense of independence. It's working, and I feel pretty good about my life. I'm doing constructive, creative things with my time, and, for the first time I don't feel like a loser or a failure because I don't have a boyfriend. This is huge for me. I am becoming a real friend to myself. Still, the way back from hell is long - too long. I want to forget him. I never want to give him one single moment more of consideration or thought. I want to feel safe, secure in what I've learned, and that I will be OK and this won't happen to me again. I don't think it will. I mean, in hindsight it seems so clear he was never even a friend...wasn't capable of it. Still, I feel like I need this wall around myself until I can trust myself. I don't know when that will be, or how to learn it.

I HATE HIS GUTS. I am not a vengeful person, but I do wish he would get his. I want to let go of this rage, but I don't know how. I have repressed my anger my whole life. Most of my life, I have not even known that I felt any anger. Boy, I guess I know now! One of the anger sites I visited on the web said something like "you need to separate the person from their actions that angered you" - but that is not possible in his case. He is DEFINITELY a narcissist - and probably a psychopath/sociopath too. When somebody is like that it is what they ARE that determines their actions. It's not just a normal for a decent person to do a wrong thing. How can I get past my rage and find healing? How can I learn to trust myself and grow into the new, assertive person I am trying to learn to be? Please help. I am sick of being pissed. I know I am not like him deep down, but right now I feel like I am no better than my ex - self-absorbed and enraged.