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October 31, 2014 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Hard Knocks

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Help! I am 16 years old and pregnant

Question:

I am 16 years old and as of 3 weeks ago, I had found out that I am pregnant. I have always been against abortion but deep inside I knew that if I had become pregnant, abortion would be an option. I have my appointments made already to get my operation but I'm not sure if I am making the right choice. When I found out I was pregnant, I was going to keep it. But as time went on, I thought about how difficult it would be for to actually raise this child.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I still haven't told my parents. My abortion will be done secretly, which means I won't have to tell my parents. I think it's my parents that are leading me to have an abortion. Everyday they tell me that it's their worst nightmare for me to come home and tell them that I am pregnant. I'm scared that if I told them, they wouldn't love me any more. Also, I have one more year of school left until I graduate, which means if I decide to have my child, I won't be able to graduate with all my friends.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for only 3 months now, and he doesn't like the idea of me having an abortion. But the decision would be made a lot easier if he had a job. I'm scared that if I had my child I won't be able to give my child a good life like I had while growing up. I want my kids to have everything in life, and a Dad. Who knows how long I'm going to be with this boy for? I know I might love him, and he loves me but I'm only 16. I want to have this child more than anything, but I don't want to ruin mine, or my child's life. I'm not sure what to do.

I know I would be a loving and devoted mom but how can I afford this child? Already I'm depressed about me being pregnant, but I don't want to make a wrong choice. Why should a child die, because I made a mistake? I'm so confused. I think it would be a lot easier on me if I knew my parents would support me. What do you think? Would it be best to follow through on my decision to have an abortion or should I own up to my mistakes?

Would it be wise for me to have an abortion? If I do decide to have my child, is there any organization in Winnipeg that would help me support my child? Should I tell my parents?

Daisy (16 year-old woman) from Canada

Answer:

Dear Daisy,

You are 16 years old. You said you're 8 weeks pregnant. You must make your decision quickly and the decision must be yours because you will live with your choice. The options I can think of are three: having an abortion, having a baby and raising your baby and having a baby and giving it up for adoption.

You said, "I have always been against abortion but deep inside I knew that if I had become pregnant, abortion would be an option. I have my appointments made already to get my operation but I'm not sure if I am making the right choice." This sentence sounds like you're leaning toward having an abortion but not sure.

"When I found out I was pregnant, I was going to keep it." For some reason, this sentence sounds to me like you're thinking the baby will stay an "it." Actually in eleven months or so s/he will be scooting all around, pulling her/himself up and soon walking. In five years s/he will be in school, etc., a real person like you.

Next you said, "But as time went on, I thought about how difficult it would be for to actually raise this child." This is important to consider. Raising a child is the guardian's responsibility 24 hours a day. Even with childcare, you would be responsible when your caregiver is too sick to come over or when your child isn't well enough to go to the sitter or school.

Then you went on to consider telling or not telling your parents. You said, "And I still haven't told my parents. My abortion will be done secretly, which means I won't have to tell my parents. I think it's my parents that are leading me to have an abortion. Everyday they tell me that it's their worst nightmare for me to come home and tell them that I am pregnant. I'm scared that if I told them, they wouldn't love me any more."

I don't know your parents. I don't know if they love you now. Not everyone is capable of loving, but most anyone can become a parent. If your parents love you, they will still love you. They will also possibly freak out, have a fit, worry, scream, be frightened and tell you what you must do next. You would know better than I could guess what they will tell you to do. Then you will not only have your decision to make but you will have their input to figure into your decision.

Plenty of people will be ready to tell you what to do. For example a clinic that is against abortion will tell you not to have one.

You said, "Also, I have one more year of school left until I graduate, which means if I decide to have my child, I won't be able to graduate with all my friends."

The problem is not only that you will not be able to graduate with your friends. The problem is you may not graduate for five years or at all. It would take great organization, determination and energy to raise a young child and move ahead in your career life.

You sound realistic and practical when you look at your relationship with your boyfriend and where he is in his life. You say, "I have been seeing my boyfriend for only 3 months now, and he doesn't like the idea of me having an abortion. But the decision would be made a lot easier if he had a job. I'm scared that if I had my child I won't be able to give my child a good life like I had while growing up. I want my kids to have everything in life, and a Dad. Who knows how long I'm going to be with this boy for?"

That's a good question. In three months, you and he are just getting to know each other.

Here's another good question you pose. "I would be a loving and devoted mom but how can I afford this child?"

You said, "I think it would be a lot easier on me if I knew my parents would support me." Will they? You know your parents. After they get upset, what will they say?

You ask, "Why should a child die, because I made a mistake?" This is a heavy question. You could consider whether a fetus is a child. You have to consider how you will be able to live with yourself best. As I said before, people will love to answer these questions you raise. But in the end, you are responsible.

When I had this dilemma I had an abortion. I chose my life and chose to make something of myself. I felt that the potential life, which I felt would have been a son, gave up this time on earth for me to choose myself. For me this was the right decision. On the other hand I know a woman who was almost an abortion. Now she and her mother are glad she was born and is alive.

You say, "What do you think? Would it be best to follow through on my decision to have an abortion or should I own up to my mistakes?"

You need to make your own decision. Owning up to your mistakes doesn't sound like a healthy attitude to have when you choose to have a baby. It sounds like you're asking: should I do what I decided or should I do penitence for the rest of my life because I got pregnant.

"Would it be wise for me to have an abortion?"

You must choose. Are there wise older people you know that you can consult without them trying to mold your decision?

"If I do decide to have my child, is there any organization in Winnipeg that would help me support my child?"

I don't know. Look in the front of your telephone book under your county for Social Services or some such name. Call even the police and mental health services to explore where you start investigating local services.

"Should I tell my parents?"

Again, you have to figure this out. If you were 12 years old I would say you need your parents to help you. You know your parents. If your mother loves you now, she'll continue to love you.

All the best, Daisy

Leya Aum, MA, MFCC

This question was answered by Leya Aum. She is California licensed marriage, family, child counselor certified in clinical hypnosis. She teaches Feldenkrais Method® of Neuromuscular Relearning, is practitioner of the Bowen Technique and Jin Shin Jyutsu®. She is also human resources consultant, writer and editor.

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