My fiancee is 41 years old and I am 44 years old. We have both been married three times. We have been together now for about eight months. He can only have an orgasm when he masturbates, except on two rare occasions when he did during actual intercourse with me. That's it- twice in 41 years. He said that he feels like he is about to ejaculate and then his penis tightens up and the feeling goes away. He then has to masturbate to have an orgasm.
What could be wrong? Could this be physical or psychological? It isn't a fear of pregnancy because he would love to father a child. HELP!
First of all, let me rule out the idea that this could be psychological. There is nothing we can do in our heads that would cause this . . . that hardwiring in men is so geared to ejaculating that if the stimulation is effective, short of sheer panic, his gun is going to fire.
For some reason, your husband is not receiving the kind of stimulation that is going to pull his trigger. If he can successfully masturbate, there is nothing wrong with the gun!
I would want to know this man's history with masturbation . . . how frequently and how vigorously. Has he typically masturbated between intercourse sessions, as well as after them? It is very possible for a man to condition himself to only ejaculate with the firm strokes of masturbation, and any man will tell you, there is not a vagina in the world that is going to grip as tightly as a man grips his penis when "flogging his dummy," "choking his chicken," "yanking his chain!" The language describes it. When a man "pounds his pud," he is not stoking himself gently.
Your husband should cease all masturbation . . . not because he will go blind, but because if he has conditioned himself (and maybe even numbed superficial nerve endings) he has to allow himself to become so horny that he will just about ejaculate looking at you!
It might simply be that his penis is wired in such a way that it needs more stimulation, but hopefully it is more that he has just taken care of himself too often and too frequently. Stopping should have him responding to intercourse within two or three weeks.
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator