Can't feel love

Dear Mel,

You say that you want to know if your relationship is salvageable, but I don't think that is your real question. It seems to me that what you're really asking is whether your relationship can be made valuable and worthwhile. That is a very important question. As I read through your background, I found myself asking why you would want to salvage it. There may be lots there of which I'm not aware. The first thing to do is to take stock. Certainly you have invested a lot of time and effort and feeling in this relationship; determine what you are getting back from that investment. Perhaps a moderate amount of companionship. Perhaps it works well for you financially (you didn't mention finances). You say he is a good father. Is it your children that he is being a good father to? If so, that would be an important consideration.

Next, look at what you would like to get out of a primary relationship. Be realistic. Don't go for things that are fairy-tale material, but things that you could reasonably look for in a very good relationship. Do you see any potential for those things with this man?

Thirdly, focus on growth or life paths - or however you conceptualize the fact that each of us is in the process of "becoming" - over our entire life span. The paths of you and your partner may be close and parallel at one point in time, but not at others (this is true for everyone, not just you two). Where are the two of you in your growth trajectories?

Lastly you have to consider the word love. That poor word carries a terrible burden in our society. My first caution to you is that love just happens. You can not will it! If you don't love him, you don't love him. Period. It doesn't mean that you never did (although that may be true) and it doesn't mean that you never will (although that too may be true), but it does mean that right now you don't. It's not anybody's fault, but it is an indication that you are probably not receiving love from him. It's natural to respond lovingly to being loved.

So, if you've done all of these things, you're now in a pretty good position to decide what you want to do with the relationship that you've got. If you're getting some good things out of it, if it satisfies at least some of the criteria on your fantasy list, if you feel loved or valued and if you believe that the personal growth paths of you and your partner are likely to be compatible over the long haul, then it may be worthwhile to try to try to work with your partner to make things better.

If, on the other hand, you are getting very little out of the relationship - if it's far from your ideal and seems unlikely to change, if your paths are divergent and seem likely to stay that way, and if you fee unloved and not valued, then you are probably better to go on alone than to make each other miserable by staying together in your separateness. I think most relationships can and must tolerate the strain of modest divergence between the paths of the two partners from time to time, but for this to work both partners need to have faith that they will come back into proximity before too long. You are young and you have lots of time to seek a more rewarding relationship.

Good luck!

Jerry Button L.M.H.C.