Postponed Wedding

Hello,

It sounds like you have been through a lot of pain without reaching any resolve. It is important not to let fear take over your life and govern your decision. You wrote that you had tried martial counseling for two years. Did you gain any insight or advice during the counseling that you can use now? You seemed to have tried very hard and have been quite patient. Counseling though cannot tell you what to do but can ask the right questions, which may help you to reach the answer, to know your own mind, to overcome your fears.

You wrote that your boyfriend has issues and is working on them? Everyone has issues of some sort, they shouldn't be used as an excuse. By understanding the issues, you can be empathetic but it is important not to use them to hide behind. Do you understand what his issues are? How long has he had them? How deep rooted are they? What about his other relationships - did he follow a similar pattern? And how is he working on his issues? Is he in counseling? Are you working on them together? What does he mean when he says that he would ruin your life? It is important to know exactly what he means and take his words seriously.

Relationships are not always easy and it is important that both partners are willing to compromise and work together on the relationship. Trust and respect need to be strong in order for a couple to face difficulties such as broken engagements. Expensive gifts, vacations together, and an expensive engagement ring are nice extras but are not emotions and cannot replace basic trust and respect for each other - they are essential for a relationship to work out. Gifts at times can replace emotions - mask insecurities. Many people fear commitment, of being hurt, of making a mistake and try to avoid getting too close using material objects as replacements.

You need to talk openly to him and tell him what your needs are and how long you are willing to wait for him. Remember you cannot change him; his basic personality, even when his issues are resolved, will not change. He may remain indecisive.

Perhaps while he works on his fears, you can look into your self-esteem, which must have suffered over the years with these broken engagements. Your own fears of not being loved or being unable to find someone to love at 34 years old may end up making you feel trapped in a relationship where you are not happy. You cannot act as though everything is OK when you do not feel it, when you have been hurt and when you are angry. Pretending everything is OK is not the same as being OK. Be careful that you are not enabling him to continue in his indecision by being too accommodating. Is this relationship making you feel good about yourself? Do you need gifts to prove that he cares about you? How else does he show that he cares? How do you show you care about him? Do you have friends or family members that can help you gain some perspective? A lot of questions but hopefully, in answering them you will gain some insight and perspective. Writing in a journal sometimes helps to gain detachment and see things more clearly. Or using your imagination, pretend that this situation is happening to one of your friends, and it was up to you to give her advice. What would you write to her? What would be your advice?