Missing abusive boyfriend
QUESTION:
Prerna, 23-year-old womanI am a 23-year-old working woman. I live on my own in the city. I have had a normal childhood and have a good relationship with my family. By nature I'm emotional.
I was in a relationship with this guy whom I met in college 5 years ago. He was the first guy I ever had a relationship with and to whom I lost my virginity. We started as good friends and eventually fell in love. Right after we officially started going out he had to leave for another city to pursue his higher studies.
I was not sure if the relationship would work after he had left but somehow we made it work. I used to visit him every month in the new city where he moved to. After a few months he decided to move to Bangalore where I'm currently working. After finishing college I moved to Bangalore so that we could be in the same place and things would be easier for us. Initially I was putting up in a paying guest accommodation but after a few months I moved in with him. I realized how much he meant to me and that I couldn't live apart from him. We planned on getting married after settling in our respective careers. His family knew about me as well.
Things were fine between us until one day he lost his cool and hit me out of the blue for a silly reason. Soon after he felt very guilty and promised to never raise his hand on me. Months passed and everything was fine. Eventually I realized he started getting pissed at me whenever I wanted to spend time with him. I would do everything like taking care of the house etc. His friends would come over and around them I would feel unwanted. I explained to him that I felt insecure because he wasn't giving me enough attention. He would cancel plans with me to be with his friends.
For everything his friends would come up. I was never suspicious of his intentions but I started getting more insecure when he would talk to his female friends late into the night. We started getting into fights for small things like sleeping together, not helping me do the chores. He wouldn't do things that I would like him to do for me or used to do for me. I started feeling unloved. I even confronted him and asked if he still loved me or has found somebody. His response would always be that he loves me but just doesn't show me. Most of our fights would end with him physically abusing me. I wanted to get out of it but somewhere deep down I wanted to take care of him, do things for him. I did everything to change him and our future but I always felt he didn't do enough for us. I was also scared of being lonely if I broke up with him because I invested a lot into this relationship.
He moved out of the house two months ago after a fight and told me the relationship is over. We were together for 2 and a half years. He would visit me every now and then to say how guilty he feels for having hurt me so much and that he still loves me, but we can't be together because he thinks I deserve better.
I am miserable after the breakup. I am hurt that after having given so much and having loved so much everything just fell apart. I am living in the same house we were living in for the past 2 years and due to financial constraints I have not been able to move out. I miss him all the time and end up calling him which I know I shouldn't do. Even now he calls me at times. I desperately want to get over him but I'm not able to let go of the good memories we had together in the beginning. I find myself loving him more and missing him more when I know that I should be happy that I am out of all the pain he caused me. I don't know what to do. I tried going out spending time with friends, meeting new people, going to the gym regularly, etc. but nothing is helping. My thoughts keep going to the days of how we met and fell in love and the things we did together.
I miss him. I really wanted to marry this guy and dream of a life with him. Now everything is shattered and I feel heartbroken, lonely, lost and insecure. Sometimes I even contemplate on asking him to get back together hoping that things will change and we can start new - but I know that will never happen because this wasn't meant to be. I have lost my faith in life and in love because I've been hurt far too many times in my life. Please help me and tell me how I can get rid of this misery.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Dear Prerna,
You share your tragedy with many people, both men and women. In your head you know that it's over, that if he wanted to come back you would need to send him away, because of his abuse and lack of caring. And at the same time, he was your first love, and in your heart you have not been able to let him go.
First, keep affirming to yourself that nobody has the right to hit you, verbally abuse you and treat you as if you didn't matter.
Second, you are an intelligent, educated person in your own right. You do not actually need a man to complete you. You do not actually need a husband or lover or even a boyfriend. If you have one, that's fine, as long as that lucky guy treats you right.
It is completely normal and to be expected that you are grieving over the breakup. That takes time. Grief is like a broken bone: it hurts, but you know that it will get better. In the meantime, continue to do the things you have started: going out spending time with friends, meeting new people, going to the gym regularly etc.
When you say these things don't help, it's probably because you are expecting the wrong benefits from doing them. They cannot replace a relationship. They are unlikely to get you to fall in love with someone else, because it is too soon for that. But they fill some time with enjoyable activity, give you something else to focus on, and are the start of rebuilding your life.
In a way, there is a contest. When you have rebuilt a good life for yourself, full of purpose and meaning and fun, you have won. As long as you continue acting miserable, your ex is winning. So, keep telling yourself things like this: "For the moment, I am still recovering, and it is normal to feel grief for something lost. But I will hurry up the healing by getting involved in all sorts of activities, and act in a way that makes other people think that I am strong, serene and happy."
At first, this will be an act. But there is an interesting fact. Research shows that if you can keep up an act long enough, it becomes "second nature," so it becomes true.
When you once more feel good about yourself, you will probably get a surprise in a man who will love you and treat you right.
Bob :)
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com