Need love and support

Sophia, my dear,

I can't give you a hug, but I am here for you. If you want to, you can join my global group of grandchildren.

You are obviously highly intelligent, that's why you are being moved to an elite school. I know that's scary, but you can do it. There, you will meet kids with interests you probably share, kids you can relate to at a higher level. Look at it as an opportunity to find friends who can fill the gaps that now drag you down.

My guess is the reason kids at your current school look at you as weird, laugh at you and ostracize you is that their minds work at a much lower level. You need to act stupid because you are way too smart. That difference will disappear at the elite school. Liberation!

Let me tell you, when I was 14 I was also terribly depressed - only I didn't know it. I just knew I was stupid and ugly, and anything I tried was guaranteed to fail, and no one could possibly love me. I knew that kids were only friendly to me in school because I was good at fighting (I only fought the bullies, and protected kids who were being picked on). I lived alone without a family in a migrant hostel, and felt that if I died, no one would miss me.

All of these beliefs of mine were FALSE FALSE FALSE. In fact, eventually I became dux of my school, and my "Leaving Certificate" results were in the top 200 in NSW, and I earned a Ph.D. So, I wasn't stupid. Looking at old pictures I can see I was not ugly; I was as OK as anyone else. And yes, often when I tried something new I stuffed it up, but I also discovered that if someone else could do it, I could learn it. And over time, lots of people have loved me. I am pretty sure that your list of reasons for sadness is equally open to question. I know where you are now because I've been there myself - and one day, you can be where I am now.

Your IQ is not just a tool for getting good marks at school. It is also a tool for solving life problems. That's how I eventually dragged myself out of depression. Pick a problem. For example, "my family's expectations of me are too high." You are right: such pressure can break a person. If they want you to do well, they need to give you support, empathy, and permission to make mistakes. A chess world champion (Capablanca) said, "You can learn a lot more from the games you lose than from the games you win."

OK, they diss you and don't listen to you. That's a practical problem. How do you communicate your feelings and needs? I don't know your relatives and I don't know your situation, but you do. Devise a method. Maybe it's a carefully worded letter. If you choose that, you could write a draft and email it to me, and together we can make it as good as possible. Another example: I don't know why you believe yourself to be ugly, but you can get rid of this issue for life if you choose to go by this little poem:

Beauty is a tree.

Inner beauty is the timber that makes a tree a tree.

Outer beauty is only the bark, of no use whatever.

You can generate inner beauty by doing your best to understand where each person is coming from. You can then be the sunshine in their lives by giving them what they need, subtly and without appearing to. If someone feels inferior to you, trick them into feeling good about themselves without them noticing. That's where intelligence is very useful. If someone is struggling with a math problem, offer to give them a hand and, without any superiority or arrogance, help them to understand how to do it. If someone is very pleased with some minor achievement (something that you could do with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back), then give your congratulations, and show genuine pleasure that they did so well. After all, this kid has done a personal best, and there is no point in comparing it to what you can do. This involves learning a set of skills. It takes thought to design the tasks, practice, and then think about it so you can improve. The rewards will be enormous.

With hugs,

Bob