Teen stepdaughter is jealous

Dear Laura,

These behaviors are not just curious - they are definitely pathological, and you are right to be concerned. This is not merely a young person seeking love, but sexualized behavior that is entirely inappropriate. Left alone, it will only get worse, and even a tragedy is possible.

You are in no position to do anything about it. It's up to the girl's parents. For her wellbeing, the two of them need to cooperate, even if in other ways they are hostile to each other. They need to work out a common strategy, so that no matter which home she is in, the same rules apply. She should be taken to therapy with a competent psychologist.

It actually doesn't matter how the situation arose, although the mechanism is fairly clear to me. She was inadvertently rewarded for certain attitudes and behaviors, and so they became entrenched. This is not a matter of blame, but of understanding how to control and reverse the situation. When her father had given in to her demands - for example, staying with her in her room until she fell asleep - he rewarded the behavior and so it got stronger. If he had been loving but firm at that stage, keeping to invariable rules, he would have gone through a short stormy period, but things would have settled down long ago. Now, things have to be handled with even more firmness, but every time she gets away with it, her habits get stronger.

Her father, or preferably her father and mother together as a team (even if they are only a team regarding this issue), need to have a very loving but very firm talk with her. You should not even be present, because no doubt she sees you as "the enemy"�. Your husband MUST do this, or risk having his daughter suffer VERY SERIOUS consequences. In time, this could grow into the kind of obsession where she may attempt murder.

The message the girl needs to get is:

1) Father loves her as a daughter. He will always love her, but it will always be as a daughter. He will never love her as a man loves a woman. That is entirely inappropriate. When the time is right, she will find a man of her own to love, and be loved by. If she treats Father as if he was that man, she will spoil her future happiness.

2) She is now no longer a child, but a young lady. She needs to act her age. This means:

• Closing her door when she is getting dressed or undressed.
• Being properly clothed when out of her bedroom. She should look decent enough that if the family doctor or the school principal (or whomever she respects) walked in the door, that person would not be surprised and shocked.
• Staying out of Father and Laura's bedroom at all times, except by specific invitation, in the same way she would not want Laura to intrude into her bedroom.
• Physical contact between her and Father should never be any approximation of sexual. If she would not do something in public with a boy from school who is a friend but not her boyfriend, then she shouldn't do that with Father, even in private.
• These rules are absolute, and not negotiable. Incest is against the law, and very damaging to all people involved, even if they desire it. It's simply not on, not now and not ever.
• She is welcome in Father's home, because he loves her, but only as long as these rules are obeyed. Any breaking of these rules means instant separation from Father, for a specified time.

In exchange, you should give your blessing to activities between the two of them, happily staying out of their way while they go and have fun together.

When these rules are imposed, she could possibly become suicidal. Therefore, both her father and mother should keep reiterating their love for her, both in words and nonverbally. If the family can afford it, a suitable reward for compliance would be good: a car when she turns 16, or a special trip to somewhere she'd love to go to for her 15th birthday - something to look forward to. And everyone should quietly monitor her for signs of deep depression. As I said, she must be taken for counselling.

Good luck my dear,

Bob