Cynical and hostile bullying victim
This problem started when I started middle school. See, I was a shy, weak, puny, and small kid, and still kind of am. So because of that, I was bullied. Now, many people who get bullied kill themselves, but I was different: I wanted to kill the bullies instead.
I could fight my bullies or ignore them or tell someone, but my bullies are not normal bullies. Oftentimes they act gangster or ghetto, and are from trashy neighborhoods (seriously, houses near the school(s) are worse than Detroit neighborhoods.) Aside from that, I'm too weak to fight them, first of all. I don't back out of standing up for myself, but I'm still unable to fight. Second, smart people should know why ignoring won't help. Third, if you tell on them, you will be known as "a snitch who will get stitches".
My bullying was bad. Some people have had it worse, but still. After being bullied, my whole view changed. I hated society and the human race. I hated myself and others. I deserve to suffer because I'm a weak degenerate for society. I want to become a serial killer and end the human race. Everything about the human race is terrible. The stupidity, the negativity, etc. All the good humans suffer. My mindset is somewhat like Anakin Skywalker's. Is it normal that I feel this way?
In the situation you described, it is perfectly normal to feel like you do. It is a reasonable reaction to being unfairly victimized.
You can consider a number of courses of action. An immediate one is to move somewhere else. If that has practical difficulties, do some problem-solving to make it possible. It may take a little time, but apply for jobs in another place, or enroll in a course that takes you away, or whatever.
Second, in the long-term, you have identified yourself as being weak and puny and unable to defend yourself. You can change this. Learn to do a martial art. Judo is the best to start with, because a small Judo expert can defeat several opponents who are larger and stronger. Once you are competent at judo, move on to aikido, which is a further development, and is the ultimate form of self-defense.
It would perhaps be dangerous to do this in your neighborhood, because the bullies will know, and attack you while you are still a beginner. So, either do it a fair distance away in Chicago, or better still, after having moved somewhere else.
That's the practical part. We also need to deal with your two inner problems:
One is that belief shapes reality. What you send out, the universe sends back to you. You have "kick me" written on your forehead, and sure enough, you get kicked. The bullying is not so much in response to your size or body build, but to your belief of being a victim.
Learning a martial art will help with this problem even more than with physical self-defense. I did judo as a teenager. Now I am an old man, but if anyone is aggressive toward me, I automatically, without needing to think about it, put myself in "judo mode." The message I send out nonverbally is, "Don't bother to try," and they always back off.
Other ways of building inner strength are also good, and you can do several:
One is to become expert at something you enjoy. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it gives you the knowledge that there is something you can shine at. And in addition to building self-confidence, it will give you a great deal of pleasure.
Another is to be of service to others. The more you give, the more you get, and this will make you feel good about yourself. Being of service can have unexpected side-benefits, like building up a network of people who will go out of their way to protect you. However, don't do it for that reason, but because you intend to improve the lives of other people.
Your second inner problem is that this long history of victimhood has led you to wear crap-colored glasses: "I want to become a serial killer and end the human race. Everything about the human race is terrible."
There is also good in humanity. Human nature is complex, with many facets. Generosity, compassion, decency are as much part of it as cruelty and stupidity. Rather than lower yourself to the same level as your torturers and copy them by hurting others, I invite you to choose the other path: to work for a better world. This will immediately make you a better person, and in years to come, you will look with pity on the poor sods whose only fun is hurting those weaker than themselves. They miss out on so much!
Please think about my words. You are welcome to get back to me.
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com