Accidental Mistress


Accidental Mistress


your avatar   Sis, 43-year-old woman

I met the man of my dreams online 9 months ago. We connected immediately! I have never had such a deeply intimate connection with a man before. He told me he and his wife were separated. It turns out that they are not separated; they are still in the same house, but he says they do not sleep together. He says he's there for the sake of his daughter who is going into her senior year of high school.

He asked me to be his girlfriend 3 months ago but wants to keep our relationship a secret. He calls it "our world" until his daughter graduates from high school. His wife will be going on a trip soon and he wants me to stay with him while she is away.

My question is, why do I not feel guilty about the affair or the lies he has told me, but I am bothered by the thought of having sex with him in their bed?


    Bob Rich, Ph.D.

My dear, your story is all too common. A huge number of novels, plays and movies have the theme of the way this man has taken advantage of you.

Your question shows that you know you've been conned. He went on that dating site, not to find love, but to find a victim, so he could have his cake and eat it too. Men like that don't think of women as their equals, worthy of respect, but as potential conquests to boost their ego. I can imagine him boasting to his buddies about "scoring." And if you left him, I have no doubt he'd go fishing again.

The reason you are bothered by the thought of having sex with him in their bed is that in contrast to his attitude, you have empathy. Without wanting to, you have imagined how his wife would feel if she discovered it. She would be revolted, disgusted, violated - so, you feel the same, if only as a shadow of what you would if in her place.

Therefore, this unfortunate situation is a chance for you to grow in wisdom, compassion and decency. I won't give you any advice on what you should do, but think about my words, and follow your emotions.

Have a good life,


This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit:

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