I am currently dealing with mental disorders like depression and anxiety. I am a very two-faced person. I will be joking around with my friends or my significant other, and all of a sudden I will become very violent and I'll start saying terrible things. I'm generally a very shy and sweet person with people I don't know all that well, but when I get close to someone I "snap" at them more often.
I have only been in love two times in my life and each time I get the urge to kill them. I want to see them scream and suffer; I want to see their blood. Even though I love them so much…or maybe because I love them so much. I like seeing people suffer, and I like to manipulate them in general. In my mind, it's their fault for being so easy to fool. In my mind, it's survival of the fittest. When I'm on the edge of "switching" it feels scary that this monster is taking me over. But even so, I let it. I scare people.
That being said, I know on a rational level how wrong this is. I feel disgusted with myself for thinking of these things. And even though I know I'm totally contradicting myself I don't want to hurt anyone. How do I get rid of this ugly side of myself?
A prior question is, where did this inner monster come from? When you understand that, you will destroy its power over you.
I know nothing about you, apart from what you have written. All the same, I am willing to bet that when you were a very young child, as you watched and interacted with the adults in your life, you learned a twisted lesson: that love means hurting people.
There is the real you, whose nature is to be a very shy and sweet person. The real you is disgusted with violence, and wants to get rid of the ugliness. Then there is the monster, who is not you. She is an inner passenger who has been eating at your being since infancy. If you look deeply, you may see her face as being that of someone who habitually did terrible things to those she supposedly loved, possibly, but not necessarily, including you. This person from your past gained power from cruelty. A little child in a violent family lacks power, even more than other children. So, it is natural to model thinking and emotions on the most powerful person.
The monster came into existence. She is a hungry monster who feeds on the suffering of others. Often, she is asleep, but when something wakes her, it is like throwing a switch, and she takes you over without warning. My question to you is, how long will you permit this monster, your inner representation of an adult from your childhood, to run and ruin your life?
So what can you do about it? Find a good psychologist who is competent at hypnosis, and do trauma therapy through age regression. As an adult, you can go back to your childhood, and watch what happens with your current wisdom and understanding. Re-live the terrible episodes from the outside, watching that little girl in that unfortunate situation, over and over. And each time, take her on your lap, hug her, give her gentle, unconditional love. Let your sweet real nature show her how to love. It is not hurting but cherishing. Cherish her. Let her cry, and cry with her.
Even after such therapy, the monster won't give up immediately. She will still try to run and ruin your life, but now you will be in control. The way forward in habit change is to become an observer. Read my little e-book Anger and Anxiety where I set out a detailed self-help program.
My dear, have a good life. You can.