Controlling and critical husband

I have been married for 32 years and have two grown sons. My husband is a pilot with a major airline.

I am a flight attendant on a medical disability due to diminished vision from a malignant brain tumor. The tumor was discovered, and I had a craniotomy. The tumor re-grew and doubled in size, which then led to aggressive radiation therapy. Due to the radiation, my pituitary gland is completely dead, and I have some residual damage to my hypothalamus. Doctors gave me a year to live, and that was 24 years ago.

You'd have thought my husband would be grateful. But he acts as if I just stubbed my toe, and tells me to just deal with it. He goes to work, and when others ask about me, it's always, "She's doing ok. She has her good days and bad days." But at home, he doesn't allow me to have a bad day. I am unable to drive at night due to night blindness. I have balance issues; I stumble over things and hit my head on things (like a door) because my peripheral vision is shot. A couple of months ago, I fell down the stairs and tore my ACL. My husband is in denial about my diminished capacity.

Four years after radiation I began to gain weight. Doctors put me on Synthroid. My thyroid was fine, but the pituitary was no longer working to relay messages. After two years of trying to find the right dosage, I was 60 pounds overweight. The weight didn't come off. Since then, my husband has said he will only pay for clothes in a size 6 or 8. He has even tried to "buy the weight off," like: "I'll buy you a new car if you get down to 130 pounds." He has even tried my clothes on to see if they would fit him! I cannot believe he admitted it to me! He has paid for two liposuction treatments, eye bag surgery, and lap band surgery. I am having the band removed in 6 weeks. He has hurt me deeply with his constant criticism of how much food is on my plate, and how embarrassed he is to be seen with me. He will not walk with me but in front of me, so we're not seen together. I don't understand why he wants to have sex with me if my body is that unappealing, and I don't want to be humiliated by him criticizing me naked. Sometimes, he says, "you don't have to do anything, just lay there."

But there's more to the story. He makes 6 figures, I get my pittance of a disability. Out of my monthly disability, I have to buy all the groceries and incidentals for the house, plus gas for my car. He does not give me one penny. I make approximately 2.5% of his salary. Any tax returns we earn he keeps, because he says he pays the taxes on my disability. He tells me over and over that he is the one who works, it's his money, and he can do what he wants with it. He has also begun hiding from me when he gets his bonuses. If I want a $10 pair of shoes from Walmart and don't have the money, he says I need to save some money - he's not giving it to me.

I am tired of being told what time to get up, what time to go to bed, what HE wants for dinner. I am tired of him leaving me lists of what he wants done around the house while he's gone for a couple days. He tells me one thing, but when I ask about it he says he never said it. Everything I do or say is wrong. He insinuates that I'm forgetful, lazy, and stupid. I finished college with honors, but I've never seen his transcript. He gives money to our older son all the time, and my youngest has caught on. He admits to me that in his dad's eyes, he is not the golden son.

When we walk out our front door, my husband wants the world to see how perfect his life is with a trophy wife and two perfect sons. But behind that door, it's falling apart. And I'm the only left at home for him to control. Deep down inside, I know that for me to rescue myself I have to leave him. But why is it so hard for me to walk away?