Want to hurt bad people
QUESTION:
Frank, 23-year-old manI guess I've had a pretty good life. I've been pretty lucky in that I've had many opportunities and I've been given so much. There were a few family issues when I was younger, however. My parents divorced and I ended up with my dad. In the early years, he was far from the best father to my sister and me, especially my sister. I was bullied from grade 2 to 6, and my sister has always been an antagonist, and it's only gotten worse.
Ever since I was young (after the divorce, so it probably has something to do with that), I have wanted to hurt and kill bad people - villains and such - but as my view of the world got bigger and as I got older, that urge to harm grew. I want to hurt or kill pedophiles, murderers, rapists...people who destroy lives and take away innocence. I never wanted to be a superman, I always wanted to be a Rorschach. I've also always been weirdly okay with blood and violence, but I get so infuriated when it's committed against innocent people. I'm physically fit and healthy, and I'm proficient in basic self-defense, gun usage, and knife combat. I want to use those skills, but I know I shouldn't. So far, I've gotten to the point of stalking a rapist who got out of jail early for "good behavior." I was so close, but I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't fear, it was something else.
Over the past year I've gotten more interested in why I want to do these things, because it stresses me out on an hourly level. It's gotten so bad that I was fired a month ago for punching one of my co-workers who was harassing a lady at our work. There was no "Stop it, asshole" or something - I just saw him touching her inappropriately, I saw the discomfort on her face, I heard her say "please stop" and he made a joke, and I cracked him across the face. I was angry but it wasn't anger that did that, it was a compulsion. Ironically, I ended up being friends with the lady (she's married, so it's not what people would think). I certainly don't regret hitting him, I just wish it wasn't so compulsive. I don't know why I'm like this. I lose control and get lost in the moment. Can you help me?
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Dear Frank,
I have answered similar cries for help from a great many people, so I have constructed a webpage that gives some general information, as well as links to about 20 similar questions and answers. All of them have some similarity to your situation, and all of them are different in some way. Please read what I have to say here.
So, at one level, like these other people, you have urges to be violent because of the kind of world we live in. You are unknowingly responding to the pressures of a crazy culture, and then, because you are a good person, you focus these urges onto people who do evil things - good for you.
When you stalked a rapist, you chose not to hurt him, and this was a wonderful learning experience for you. It shows you that you can exercise choice, and are not a puppet of these urges. This is because intuitively you have realized that anger, vengeance, punishment, all such actions, are a hot coal you pick up to throw at someone. It is your hand that gets burned. When you struck a guy who deserved to be struck, it was you who lost your job, and again, this was a wonderful learning experience.
So, I can see that you are determined not to do acts of violence, even on people who deserve it, but are motivated to get rid of this compulsion. You can, but it takes time, effort and work. One standard tool is the "ABC Diary." This can be in a little notebook in your pocket, or perhaps on your phone. Set up a table with columns labeled Date/Time, Place, Target (and the reason he is a target), Thought, and Outcome. There is always a thought, even if the urge to act is faster than putting the thought into words. The outcome is what you actually did.
This is very effective, for two reasons. First, it focuses your attention on this behavior. Attention is a searchlight. You'll become aware of the urge before it becomes overwhelming, and so will be able to control it. Second, it will actually reduce the frequency of the urges. It works like magic. There are many other tools in an approach called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Read up on it.
Your new grandfather,
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com