Dear Angie,

First, I want to congratulate you. No matter how much you are suffering, how shocked you are, your thoughts are for your mom and what is best for her. Thank you for being such a caring person.

I have sent you a copy of my book in preparation, "If You Have Lost a Loved One." I hope it will be of help both to you and to her. Two immediate points from that book are:

Being there for someone else helps us in our grief. Caring for your mom will help you, and caring for you will help her.

The second is "social connectedness:" we all need people in our lives.

If you do choose to take up your aunt's invitation, make sure your mother continues to have loving connections. If you choose to stay with her, encourage your aunt to find care and support (I assume she is your father's sister, and also grieving).

Suicide of a loved person is a particularly terrible experience. Perhaps the most helpful thing to realize is, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is not your mom's fault.

For some reason, he felt as if he couldn't go on. He was wrong: it is always possible to go on, in every situation, but that's how he felt, and he acted on it.

One rule I find helpful is to know that everyone always does the best they can, in their particular circumstances of the moment. At that moment, he did what he considered the best. Whether you or I disagree with him, whether he would have disagreed with the decision the next day, at the time he did what he honestly felt he needed to do.

So, perhaps the best way for you to start the long healing journey is to forgive him, and to send him your ongoing love, wherever he is now.

Do read my book, and put my recommendations in it into practice, and keep in touch.

Your new grandfather,

Bob