Tired of waiting for a boyfriend
QUESTION:
Celia (19 year-old woman) from MichiganI'm a 19-year-old girl, and for the last three or four years I've been feeling more or less invisible to guys. I've had two "boyfriends" so far, and the reason I just call them "boyfriends" is because I feel it was never serious enough. My first "relationship" was when I was 17 years old, that's when I got my first kiss, and it lasted for maybe one month. Then he felt that we were moving too fast and broke it off. Two weeks later he hooked up with one of my friends. This set me back a lot. I've had problems with my self-esteem, even though I do consider myself to be an outgoing and nice person.
My second "relationship" started last year. I did a pretty foolish thing, getting together with my brother's best friend (he's 21 years old). I knew that it wasn't very smart, but I felt I couldn't miss this opportunity: A chance to be with a guy who actually cared for me. So we kept it quiet for about a month, and then my brother found out. I have never felt worse in my life. I know that it seems like I'm a terrible person for lying to my brother like that, and I probably am. It also sounds like a paradox that I respect my brother very much, and he's probably the most important person in my life. When he found out about what was going on he was very angry, and I understand that, because the two people he trusted the most had both been lying to him. The whole thing made me extremely depressed, I called it off with the guy immediately, and spent weeks trying to find reasons to go on with my life.
Unfortunately, my brother's friend wouldn't leave me alone, and even now, almost a year after, he still has feelings for me. The thing is that I feel like I'm missing out on being with someone that cares about me. Actually I'm not in love with him. It's just that I feel that guys don't pay any attention to me, and I think that the only reason this guy is, is to keep me interested in him. I've been involved with some other guys, but there have never been real feelings involved.
I sometimes feel that I'm going to be alone forever. I know I'm young and have my whole life in ahead of me. Still, I feel like I have nothing to give anymore. I'm depressed and tired of looking for guys, waiting for them, and then realizing that they don't want me. I feel pathetic for feeling depressed over the fact that I don't have a love life. I know I shouldn't let this have such an impact on my life, but I don't know how to fight it.
Please tell me what to do. There has to be something I can do to stop this. Another thing that makes me wonder is that I don't think I look all that bad, and I've been told by some people, including boys, that I'm pretty. I know looks don't have everything to do with it, but shouldn't it help me some? Why don't boys get interested in me? What can I do to change? I want to be myself, but being myself hasn't helped me this far. I just really want a boyfriend, someone who loves me and that I can love in return. Is that so much to ask for?
ANSWER:
Thomas H. Schear,
It sounds like your first boyfriend may hold part of the clue. He ran because he felt things were moving too fast. I don't know the details but at age 17, 18, 19 while the romance is attractive a lifelong commitment isn't. There are a number of reasons for this. First, do you know how long you are likely to live? And do you know how much you are likely to change from now until age of 29 or 30. Many of your values may change. Your outlook on life will change. This is not to mention the fact that between now and then is the time to get your education and begin to get established in your career. Second, life is not about your love life or ability to attract guys. Rather it is about making something of yourself, it is about what you contribute to the betterment of this world. If you view having the attention of a guy as a major focus and as the think that largely determines whether you are happy or depressed you are likely going to push harder, do things, give in rather than do what is consistent with your values, etc. Finally, relax over this issue. One of the paradoxes of life is that often time the more we try to make something work, fitting the square peg in the round hole, the more likely we aren't going to get it. Or what we do get isn't what is really for our benefit. Relax and just be friends. Don't get sexually intimate as that begins to create a connection and expectations that otherwise wouldn't exist. Have fun, talk, get to know each other and whenever thought of being serious enters your mind dismiss it. Your just being friends remember.
You see there are two ways of looking at this whole thing of finding and retaining someone to love. One way is to sort of force the issue. Spend every spare moment with the other person. Feel jealous whenever he talks to other girl. Doing things that are primarily manipulative in nature where you do things or behave in a particular way to get the other person to like/love you. The second way, and the one I advocate, is to make yourself attractive. I am not just talking about physically attractive. I am talking about attractive in the sense that you are caring, concerned, empathic, full of integrity, intelligent, etc. Don't go on a pursuit for guys. Go on a pursuit for personal excellence. You will then attract the guy who will fits you. Keep you standards high. After you attract a guy keep your eyes open so there is a fit and you don't have to bring yourself down to meet a lower level. By this time in your life you have put in a lot of work. The guy you find will not be threatened by your success or achievements.
Thomas H Schear
This question was answered by Thomas H Schear. Dr. Schear has over 20 years experience as a front line counselor, clinical supervisor, program director and college instructor. Currently he provides online and telephone counseling service as well as home-study and online course for the helping professional from his website.For more information visit: http://www.ccmsinc.net/