My man and I have been together for 5 years now. We have three kids together and we live together. In the beginning of our relationship everything was all fine and dandy. He did everything for me. I never had to ask for anything twice. I fell in love with him and I vowed that he was "THE ONE". I gave up all of my male friends and just focused on us and the rest of our life. I loved him and wanted him to be my husband.
Well, after two years of bliss I found out that my man was seeing my close friend behind my back. He was seeing her, and taking her around his family, and taking her out like he just didn't care if I was to find out. This went on about 5 months behind my back. She told me everything that happened and I asked him about it and he said he doesn't want to talk about it and that he made a mistake. Being in love I took him back and he still does things like get females' phone numbers and he still talks to other females. I feel so stupid for letting him do this to me.
Anyway, he has a friend who I am very, very attracted to. I fantasize about him all the time and what it would be like to have a fling with him. We flirt with each other on the side but it hasn't gone any further. I want it to go further so I can feel like I got my boyfriend back but I would rather my boyfriend didn't find out about it. I also think that if I messed around with his friend that something more might occur.
Am I wrong for wanting to do this? I love my boyfriend but I can't get over what he did to me. Please let me know if I'm solving this the right way?
Vette (23 year-old woman) from Cleveland, Ohio
Thank you for writing to us at QueenDom. I hope I can help.
First of all, it's not clear to me what you are saying about your boyfriend. It's clear that he was with another woman for about five months about a year ago, but it's not clear what he's doing right now with other women. I can't tell if he is actually doing anything sexual with other women now or if maybe you are just worried about what he's doing now because of what he did in the past.
If you know for a fact that he's being unfaithful again, I'd say you either need to leave him completely or at least admit to yourself that you know how he operates and you know he will keep it up. If he made one mistake more than a year ago, that's one mistake. If he's doing the same thing again, that's at least twice that he's done it in two years or less! That's a pattern. And if you stay with him you have to admit you are accepting him even though you know he will keep this up.
If he's got a pattern of infidelity, I'd certainly suggest that you leave him and find someone who treats you better.
The second thing about your letter is that I don't understand how you think that having an affair yourself will help the situation in any way at all. At the very least it would be a matter of two people BOTH giving up on fidelity and turning against each other. And it could even lead to escalated cruelty between you. (You don't mention violence of any kind, but if there has ever been any violence between you, you cold expect that it would get worse if both of you are complicating things with separate lovers.)
Regarding having your own affair I would suggest that you stop telling yourself it has any "revenge" aspect to it at all. If you do it you will need to admit - mainly to yourself - that you did it because you wanted to, and because you chose to do it, and that the whole idea of "revenge" was just a way of trying to talk yourself into it.
My suggestions can be stated rather clearly:
1) Decide if you believe he had only the one affair or more, and if he's having one right now.
2) If you think he's only had the one affair, ask yourself if you EVER want to forgive him (assuming that he has admitted to it and he says he has asked for your forgiveness). If you do want to forgive him, know that you can't just say it. You have to learn to actually feel that you hold no grudges against him at all about it. Forgiveness like this takes time, a lot more time than this doubt-filled year you have just undergone.
3) If he has a pattern of infidelity, I'd suggest that you break up completely. But if you don't do that, at least admit to yourself that you are keeping him even though you know he will continue to do this on a regular basis.
4) If you want the other man, and you want the father of your children both, you will have to make a choice between them. You can't have them both, one for revenge and the other one to take your revenge out on. If you try to have them both things can only get worse.
The questions you asked are:
"Am I wrong for wanting to do this?"
No! Wanting the other man is just natural. Wanting the revenge is pretty normal too, but revenge always backfires on you either immediately or later. But just like your man, you have to take responsibility for DOING what you want to do with the other person or not. Revenge is not an excuse. Your man's behavior is not an excuse. If you try to keep both of them things will get worse, and you know this is true or you wouldn't have written this letter in the first place.
"I love my boyfriend but I can't get over what he did to me. Please let me know if I'm solving this the right way?"
I'm glad you love your boyfriend but remember that love doesn't conquer all. It's not at all surprising that you haven't gotten over what he did to you. It has only been one year, and you have even had additional reasons to mistrust him during that year! (I always tell people that the EARLIEST they could expect to get over someone having an affair on them would be one year. and that it will be much longer than that if the other person does anything at all that helps them to think they are still doing it, or still strongly wanting to do it, or even if they lie a lot about other things. Trust isn't something we "give," it's something the other person earns.)
And about "solving it the right way".. You know that this revenge stuff is dangerous, or else you wouldn't be wondering about it and writing to a therapist about it. You know it won't solve anything.
Most importantly, I wonder why you have taken such mistreatment as this and why you are still holding on to this man if you think he's continuing to have affairs. Do you feel this is all you deserve? I know you have the children to think about, and you might also think that things will be tougher on you financially on only one income, but I want you to know that staying in a bad relationship isn't good for the kids either. And from what you've said here I even wonder if your boyfriend is helpful financially. (If he's "partying" without you, that costs money.)
If you don't value yourself very much, please consider getting into therapy. You don't have to live like this, with someone who mistreats you and with only fantasies of revenge to hold on to.
Thanks for writing! I hope I've been able to help some.