Addicted to porn?
QUESTION:
BR, 38-year-old womanMy significant other spends many hours downloading and recording breasts, especially lactating ones.
He has an "adult find-a-friend" account on the Internet. After I found out about it, he tells me that it is his brother in law who must have gotten that account! I know this is not the truth because he has kept the account and keeps certain "matches" he's found. So, if it is not his account then why does he keep the info and why hasn't he cancelled it?
Here are some of the reasons I think he is addicted to porn:
Once he was tired so he took a little nap so that he could record breasts that night!
He had always told me how he liked to be intimate on New Years Eve but last year he left me in the bed to go record breasts!
He has numerous porn magazines but says he gets absolutely no sexual gratification out of this. (I do believe this.)
None of this stuff I've mentioned is used as couple enhancement. I don't mind the soft porn on occasion or the racy stuff on Cinemax or HBO to enhance our sexual relationship - but every night and many daylight hours is just too much!
He also has an Internet account that he says he doesn't remember. But just after I asked him about it he used it two days later. There is so much secrecy. He says all I want to do is control and take everything away from him.We rarely watch any TV together unless it is sports or his stuff. He won't watch anything that I am interested in. He lets his responsibilities go like chores, and bills, and he has the kids wait on him and has them do his chores!
I knew when I met him that he had a breast fetish - but I had no idea to what lengths it went. When I moved in here a year ago there were porn magazines and tapes readily available. His 14-year son had access to them and he doesn't see this as a problem. I finally got him to agree to box them up and put them away. He was supposed to put a lock on the storage door but never has. I think that this stuff should be for adults only and kids should not be exposed to it.
Am I overreacting? Is this an addiction? Is this a way to avoid intimacy? I don't think of myself as a prude, I enjoy sex. But he tries to keep all of this private and there is so much secrecy! I know I can't change him. But what can I do for myself? Any suggestions and/or a link would be helpful.
ANSWER:
Andy Bernay-Roman,
Dear BR,
Yes, I think what your significant other is doing with porn materials is both an addiction and a roadblock to genuine intimacy especially because he's lying about it. He sounds very self-absorbed, and adolescent.
You, on the other hand, sound lonely in the relationship. It's time to have some serious talks with your partner. Follow through with your confrontations because there are clear contradictions between his stories and his actions. Then also introduce how you are feeling about all this. Keep to mainly "I" statements, like, "I'm feeling lonely in our relationship" or "I hate when you focus on porno material rather than be with me", or "I wish you'd take the time you spend with the porno stuff, and spend it with me".
I think you have derailed yourself from pursuing and resolving these serious issues with your significant other by thinking maybe it's your fault. It's not. What you want in the relationship is appropriate. Your partner's obsessive and cover-up behavior is destructive to your relationship, and your concern about that is healthy.
His feeling controlled or limited by you may have some validity to it too, but does not negate your feelings or desires in this matter. Don't let this slide. Go for resolution. Get support for yourself, either with a therapist or a good friend who can also be impartial without just putting down your significant other. Couples therapy would be ideal. You two need to talk, and get down to the core issues and feelings. Do whatever it takes to bring that about.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Andy Bernay-Roman
This question was answered by Andy Bernay-Roman, RN, MS, LMHC, NCC, LMT. He is a nationally certified counselor in private psychotherapy practice in South Florida working with individuals, couples, and families with a deep-feeling therapy approach. Andy's medical background as an ICU nurse contributes to his success with clients with difficult medical diagnoses and/or chronic physical conditions. He also serves as head of the Psychological Support Department of West Palm Beach's Hippocrates Health Institute.For more information visit: http://www.deepfeeling.com/