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November 21, 2017 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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Getting dumped

Question:

I was involved in a relationship for 12 months until my partner decided to break it off with me. I was very devastated as I loved him a lot, and had assumed we would always be together. As much as I try to get over him, I can't repress the strong feelings I have for him and it is tearing me apart. I find it hard to eat, sleep, even to go about my day to day activities. It seems everything reminds me of memories we shared and I just miss those times too much.

How can I forget about him and get on with my life?

Kate (16) from Melbourne, Australia

Answer:

Being dumped at any age is painful. At sixteen emotions are very intense, and the pain is often greater. Even worse, people around you often tell you that you'll get over it soon. Well, that doesn't do much to help does it?

I can suggest that you try St. John's wort, and if that doesn't help take some of the sting out, ask your physician for something; but mostly it takes time and new experiences. Try to force yourself to get involved in your favorite activities - even if they remind you of him or worse bring you into contact. Resuming your life is a necessity.

Use your experience to build your inner sense of worth and strength. Write poetry or a story about the experience and try getting it posted on a website or even published in your school magazine if you have one.

Write yourself a letter telling yourself what things you have learned from this experience. For example, if this was your first sexual encounter, what did you learn about your sexuality? When life gives you lemons, try to make lemonade. The lessons you have learned are that lemonade.

Try to reframe the experience positively. "OK, I'm sad about this now, but what memories to have that will be worthwhile a year from now, or perhaps even after I've met someone else or even married". Beautiful memories are worthwhile, even if they are the prelude to sorrow.

Lastly, try to remember that you will meet someone else and someone after that. When we are going through the being dumped process, it is hard to remember that God has given us so many opportunities to meet special somebodies. I think back on my teenage pains, and I realize that they helped prepare me for the woman whom I still love after almost 31 years of marriage. Sometimes, I still think about the ones I didn't marry. But, looking backward, I'm glad they dumped me or I dumped them, or we dumped each other. Any way it worked out, I still came out ahead in the long run; and they have helped to fuel a fairly nice career of poetry writing on the side.

Ken Weene

This question was answered by Kenneth A. Weene. Ken Weene is a graduate of The Institute For Advance Psychological Studies at Adelphi University is a licensed psychologist practicing on Long Island, New York. His orientation is holistic and eclectic. In addition to a variety of contributions to the professional literature, Dr. Weene has published a number of poems. Before entering private practice, he directed Children, Adolescent, and Family Services for The Counseling Service of The Long Island Council of Churches. Ken's central belief is that life is a gift to be experienced, enjoyed, and celebrated. He knows that this is sometimes difficult in the face of physical, emotional, and other forms of distress and sees his goal as helping people to find their inner peace and joy in the face of stress and anguish.

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