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November 21, 2017 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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Missing my girl

Question:

My ex-girlfriend and I met through a friend. We spent two days together and had a wonderful time. She lived in Minnesota and I live in Philadelphia. We had a long-term, long-distance relationship. When she finally came home one summer, we loved it! Everything was great. But in February we broke up. She's in law school and really busy. And I know she has already gone out on a few dates and I'm jealous. I really really really miss her.

I think that my girlfriend and I could, should, and would get back together again. So how do I go about this? Please, give me some pointers on getting someone back...really need the advice.

Make-UP, 22-year-old man

Answer:

Dear "Make-Up",

Unfortunately, there is no formula for getting someone back. You simply need to treat her well, be clear with her about what you want, and respect her decisions. That's your best shot.

Since much or your relationship was long-distance, I really can't tell if this was a close and healthy relationship or not. If you were extremely close, you will feel "grief" at losing her, and this can greatly complicate your decisions. If you felt "waves" of sadness from the first moment you realized she wanted to end the relationship, and if the sadness lessened slowly over the course of a few days or weeks, that's grief. (There's a later anger phase too, and when that subsides you'll feel major relief.)

I mention this because I think you need to ask yourself if you really are wanting her (under these conditions..!) or if you might simply be wanting to avoid feeling so bad. This is a very important distinction. Many people end up "keeping" people just because they are afraid to feel bad temporarily, and they usually end up regretting it in the long run.

It's also good to ask yourself if you are actually missing the good things about her or if you are feeling bad mostly about the lost future ("what might have been"). If you always treated each other very well and you are missing these good times, then it is really her you are missing. If, instead, you realize that what you are saddest about is the lost future, remember this was only fantasy. You can still pursue these dreams with someone else.

Another thing to look at is your own view of yourself. When someone breaks up with us we start to unreasonably doubt ourselves. Just remember that you obviously were "good enough" for this woman for a long time, and that therefore you will be seen as "good enough" by a whole lot of other women too. Don't judge yourself based only on the END of a relationship. Judge yourself on how you got along DURING the relationship.

One final bit of advice: If she says it is over, it is. Please don't try to "remain friends" and talk to each other often about how you feel, etc. The only people I've known who were able to be good friends after breaking up are people who only had brief and very weak relationships in the first place.

In sum: Ask her clearly for what you want. Accept her decision. If she ends the relationship, allow yourself to feel the sadness and the anger and, eventually, the relief. And know that when the bad feelings are over you will surely be able to find someone who is at least as good for you as she has been.

Take care,

Tony Schirtzinger

This question was answered by Tony Schirtzinger.

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